Love Letters: Why Are People Afraid to Leave Toxic Marriages?

OK, so today we’re doing something a little different.

I was going through the Love Letters mailbag the other day and realized that readers ask a LOT of similar questions. So today, we’re gonna bunch several of them together.

Plus it lowers my backlog, so everyone wins!

And here’s how you can win in the game of love:

Send your inquiries to soulinstereoblog@gmail.com, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

Is being scared to leave your marriage a reason to stay?

CM

AND

What are some reasons people are scared to leave a toxic marriage?

KNJ

This question tugs at a playa’s heartstrings, mainly because I’ve had several friends struggle with this.

On the outside looking in, it seems downright LUDACRIS to stay in a marriage that is causing you nothing but pain. Break up with the offender! Drag them on social media! Get your groove back, Stella!

Real life, unfortunately, is not as cut and dried as a movie from 1998.

Why are people hesitant to leave toxic marriages? Depends. Many stay out of fear – both fear of the unknown and fear of physical retaliation. Some just don’t want to be lonely. Some hang on for the sake of their children.

Others feel don’t feel like starting life over, especially if they’re considering ending long-term relationships. Maybe they’re clinging on to the memories of the good times, hoping and praying to see a return to better days.

And sometimes, they’re just embarrassed, feeling like divorce is a public admission of failure.

But to expound on CM’s question, fear is not enough to stay in an unhealthy marriage. It’s akin to drinking bleach every day and just hoping things will turn out OK. Sis, you’re literally poisoning yourself.

If your relationship is breaking down, put in the work to salvage it. If it cannot be salvaged, sadly, that chapter must be closed – for the sake of yourself, your children and even your partner.

Question(s) No. 2:

What’s the difference between caring for someone and having feelings for someone?

CO

AND

When someone says they have feelings for you, what does that mean exactly?

NC

AND

In your opinion what’s the difference between being in love with someone and having feelings for someone?

Just Wondering

If y’all don’t stop asking me the same question 13 different ways imma…

I’m cool, I’m cool. Let me chill in the spirit of LUV. And speaking of love, I think it’s important to define what love is in these situations.

Allow me to get all theologically academic on y’all.

To me, “caring for someone” and “having feelings” are two distinctly different things. That “caring” kind of love can be defined as philia love – i.e., the love that’s rooted in friendship. Catching feelings is more eros love – i.e., romance.

What often happens is the terms (and feelings) are conflated. Look, I care for you deeply, dear reader. I really hope you don’t stub your toe on the edge of your bed frame or find a clump of hair in your salad or catch the Rona. That’s philia love. But I sure don’t wanna be in a relationship with y’all – you should see the questions I get that I don’t post here, sheesh. I still philia love you to death, tho!

And to expound on Just Wondering’s question, “having feelings” for someone is just the start. What you’re really searching for is agape love -– that unconditional, unwavering, Ruger by the thigh for you, right hand high for you kind of love. Without that, your relationship is stuck in second gear.

As always, it comes down to clarity and conversation. If you’re unsure about how your partner is defining their love/feelings, talk it out and get on the same page.

And, finally, just ONE question this time:

Why do men attach pet names (“honey,” “babe,” etc.) and do “relationship things” for a woman without officiating the relationship with her?

Anon

This question reminds me of my friends who sign up for a free month of Netflix or something, then when the month runs out, they just sign up again for another free month with a new email address.

You get all the perks with none of the commitment.

That’s exactly what’s going on with your fake relationship, Honey Babe! And until you speak up and demand full commitment, you’ll be stuck living that 30-day trial life until dude gets bored and moves on.