Love Letters: Can You Fall Out of Love With Your Spouse?

It’s the first Love Letters of 2020!

New Year, same drama. Allow me to help y’all out. Here’s how.

Send your inquiries to, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

So my cousin has been married for five years and with his spouse for 11 years. He says he’s not in love with her anymore. Do you think it’s possible to fall out of love with people?

Where Did the Love Go

There’s this weird mentality out there that that love is a static, unchanging emotion. You meet someone, lock eyes, fall in love and live happily ever after.

But that’s storybook stuff. Over time we grow, we change and sometimes, so does our outlook on life. In theory, that love should grown and get stronger.

Other times, that love evaporates due to various factors.

I mean at one point I used to love Spaghetti-Os – that doesn’t mean I want to eat ketchup-soaked noodles as an adult. I’ll eat my noodles out of a Styrofoam box slathered in soy sauce from a mall food court like every other rational adult, thank you very much.

Seriously, it’s easy to point fingers at Love’s cousin and be like OOOOOOOOH GURL HE CHEATIN’ but life is more nuanced than a Zane novel, playa. Falling out of love is often a complicated issue.

That newfound disconnect can come in many forms – pressure of life, work drama, mental issues, a loss of emotional connection, lack of intimacy, etc. It’s not really fair for me to speculate since I don’t know homie.

But yes, this is a real thing and sometimes not as sinister as it’s portrayed. It’s unfortunate nonetheless.

Is it possible to get that old thing back like Destiny’s Child 2004? Or is it forever broken like Destiny’s Child 2000? It do believe it’s possible. And, as always, it goes back to the answer to 99% of the questions y’all ask – communication.

If your cousin wants to reinvigorate his relationship, it’s on him to do the leg work, starting with examining himself to find out what’s missing and communicating that with his spouse. Then, like any house in disrepair, he has to start the rebuilding process from the ground up.

From there, maybe the healing can begin. If that’s what he truly wants.

Question No. 2:

Why do people nowadays want the perks of being in a relationship but don’t want the relationship?


Your grandma n’ dem already told you, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

No work, all perks. It’s nice work if you can get it, I guess.


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