Love Letters: My Married Friend Has Cut Me Off. What Did I Do Wrong?

cut her off

I gotta say, I’m very surprised – and a little disappointed – that we’re almost in August and not one person has submitted a question about Hot Girl Summer.

Eh, there’s still time for y’all to obsess over Megan Thee Stallion.  Wanna hit me up to rile me up? Here’s how.

Send your inquiries to, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

A female friend of mine distanced herself from me over the last six months. I just assumed she was busy and thought nothing of it but she told me yesterday she did it because her husband feels insecure about me and her friendship.

I have no previous romantic history with her, I knew her before they met and I was the emcee at their wedding.

I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. What’s your take?

KN Friendless

Just for the sake of clarity, KN is a guy, and we know how tricky those platonic friendships get, especially when marriage is involved.

I’ve talked many times before about how I’ve maintained platonic relationships with the female friends I’ve known decades before meeting my wife, so I won’t spend too much time rehashing that. But it’s important to remember that while platonic friendships ARE possible, it depends on three things that seem to be in very short supply ‘round here in 2019:

Communication, honesty and trust.

And, quite frankly, those are conversations that need to be held between your married friend and her husband, not you.

Holy matrimony is truly about two becoming one. And that means you share space, share tax returns, you share food (whether you like it or not) and, yes, share friendships. The reason I’ve been able to maintain most of my platonic friendships is because my old friends have also become my wife’s friends. Same goes for guys she was once cool with – they’re cool with me now too.

Everyone communicates with each other, everyone’s honest with each other, everyone trusts each other.

Buttttt that doesn’t seem to be the case for your married buddies. As far as I can tell, her dude doesn’t KNOW you, so of course he’s weirded out about his wife buddying up with their wedding emcee.

And, quite frankly, that’s not on you to fix – if she wants to maintain the friendship, that’s on her. And the fact that she hasn’t speaks to a larger issue with their relationship.

Now let’s be real – your friend’s husband isn’t OBLIGATED to be your friend, and vice versa. However, the only way to maintain your friendship and be brought into their circle is if both husband and wife meet you halfway.

They didn’t, and now you’re writing sad emails to me. Life as a shorty shouldn’t be so rough.

I get why you feel like you didn’t do anything wrong – and you likely didn’t. But when it comes to the trinity of communication, honesty and trust, something ain’t clicking in your friend’s household and, unfortunately, your friendship has become the casualty.

And on that depressing note, let’s squeeze in one more question:

Why do men like women who act aloof? It’s like they love a challenge.


I love when y’all send me blanket statements. It’s like asking “why do men like putting ketchup on their scrambled eggs?”

I don’t know what kind of preschoolers Y’ALL are dating, but as for me and my house, our eggs are ketchupless and we remain comfortable in our manhood.


You answered your own question. Yes, some brothers love the thrill of the chase. Some people want what they can’t have and they’re more driven by the challenge of winning over the object of their affection. And other brothers see aloofness as confidence, and confidence can certainly be an attractive attribute.

But that’s them, not me. Personally, aloofness is a pretty big turnoff.

But hey, manhood ain’t a monolith.



  1. Something really similar to the top letter happened to me. My close friend and business partner was forced by his wife to leave our company and end our friendship. It was super painful, because nothing untoward ever happened between the two of us (and I am also married). The only message I can take away from it is that there is something deeper happening in that marriage and his jealousy shows a lack of trust. And if it’s any comfort, I’ve had other close male friends who have also become friends with my husband, I’ve become friends with their wives, and at one point my husband and my friend’s wife were in the same city for business and wound up having coffee and a grand old time.

  2. I have been through a similar situation: a work friend (female) very suddenly cut me off (like from one day to the next!) while her relationship with her boyfriend – then fiancee and husband – was becoming more serious.

    I agree that this says more about her relationship with her husband, and perhaps about him in particular, than it does about me or you. I am very happily married and there was never even a hint of anything romantic between us, we work down the hall from each other, have common interests at work, that is all.

    He sudden discard of me during an evident period of strain in her relationship (she seemed clinically acutely depressed for the following three weeks or so), suggests to me that he was the cause of this. It says a lot about the trust they have in their relationship, that he can allow his jealousy of a mere casual friend and work colleague to lead him to – apparently – ash her to cut off her friendship with me.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.