It’s been awhile since I’ve dragged out the ol’ Love Letters mailbag, so let’s dig in and see what we’ve got.
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Here’s today’s question:
If you’re in a relationship do you think it’s cool to oblige your significant other in what they don’t like? For example the guy I’m dealing with now doesn’t like weave and I’m not into beards.
We talk all the time in this space about men and women who miss their blessings because their perfect mate is RIGHT there for the taking but get dismissed because of some irrelevant deal-breaker.
You know what I mean – those sistas who will turn down a great man because he’s not 6’6 (when they’re barely 4 feet themselves) or the brothers who brush off a wonderful woman because her buttcheeks aren’t round enough (while the dude in question is built like Spongebob).
It’s almost like they’re sabotaging their happiness before it even arrives.
Call it the Molly Syndrome. My Insecure fans feel me.
But KJ’s issue is slightly different – is it really OK to let a part of yourself go to please your lover?
Let’s not front, we ALL want our mates to be attracted to us. And it’s nothing wrong with your mate having preferences. WITHIN REASON, of course. No one should expect you to grow another 6 inches when you’re pushing 40. Physiology don’t work like that.
If your man isn’t fond of excessive weave or your girl hates big, scratchy beards – things that accent who you are but don’t define you – I see no problem letting them go. With one caveat:
Don’t lose a part of yourself to please someone else.
For some brothers, a beard is simply a beard. For others, it’s more than a fashion choice, it’s a statement about who they are. It’s the same reason why so many men and women rightfully push back against employers who ask them to cut their dreadlocks or afros. It’s not “just hair.” There is a cultural relevance that should not be overlooked.
And if you don’t understand that, that sounds like a personal problem.
So yeah, if your significant other asks you to switch up your style, there’s no harm in obliging. But don’t give up a part of your identity to make someone else happy. And if that person truly loves you, they’ll understand.
Do we have time for another question?
Looks like we do!
So I was dating this guy for awhile. He had this female “best friend.” I never felt comfortable with the fact that she was his bestie. I felt like she was in love with him. Well, he and I are no longer an item. We ended badly. I reached out and apologized. The next thing I know she hits me up telling me to leave him alone, the damage is done and to forget that I ever knew him. Now is it safe to say I was correct? No woman goes that hard for a man she’s not in love with. From my understanding she doesn’t even go that hard for her biological brother.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Inspector Gadget. Let’s look at things rationally before you get all CSI up on my site.
It’s true, this woman COULD very well be in love with your ex, which is why she’s flippin’ out like a Real Housewife at a reunion show. But she COULD just be doing what best friends do – looking out for someone she cares about.
Listen, I have several female friends, girls I’ve known since way back in elementary and middle school.
(Calm down, they’re all cool with my wife. I know how y’all like stirring up stuff.)
And over the years, when a potential girlfriend stepped out of line they were quick to come to my defense. Not because I couldn’t fight my own battles and certainly not because they were in love with me (cuz they’re like sisters and that’s just gross) but because they felt it was better for a woman to approach a fellow woman. They could spare me the pain and, in theory, the woman would be more likely to relate to what she was saying.
So it’s not unreasonable that after your apology your ex’s friend volunteered to tell you to kick rocks. OR your ex simply asked ol’ girl to yell at you for him (which is the scenario I’d bet money on). Not saying that she was right to do that but it’s definitely plausible.
Are those two madly in love with each other? Uh, maybe? Heck if I know. But they’re clearly friends, because, right or wrong, that’s what friends do.