If Rappers Were Fast Food Chains

Weird things go through your mind while on road trips.

Last week I had the pleasure (?) of driving across four states for a quick to The Motherland, my home state of Virginia. All things considered, we’re talking about a 12-hour road trip. Solo.

Yeah it sucked. But it’s cheaper than buying a plane ticket.

Y’all know it’s two things that I hate – spending money and mumble rap.

And okra.

And Fox News.

And Friends – the TV show, not y’all. Y’all are cool.

If you’ve had your share of road trips, you know the hum of your vehicle’s engine, monotonous scenery and general weariness will put you to sleep faster than a John Legend lullaby. In fact, I credit my obnoxiously loud hip-hop playlist and the occasional fast-food energy boost for getting me through that endless trip.

But that got me to thinking – many of your favorite rappers have a lot in common with those greasy burger joints. Lemme show you how.


If rappers were fast-food chains….

… 2 Chainz is McDonalds


Technically terrible but pretty enjoyable in (very) small doses.

… Drake is Wendy’s


Decent sometimes, bland most times but y’all hype it like it’s Thanksgiving dinner.

… J. Cole is Burger King


Usually better than expected but y’all love criticizing it for some unexplained reason.

… A$AP Rocky is Arby’s


Seems appealing but never as good as you’d expect.

… Chance the Rapper is Domino’s Pizza


Started out super mediocre but somehow along the way got pretty good.

… Ab-Soul is Sonic


Satisfying but no one pays attention. Their loss.

… Lupe Fiasco is Chick-fil-A


So incredibly good but lord, some of those political beliefs are problematic.

… Lil Wayne is Rally’s


A guilty pleasure years ago but does this even exist anymore?

… Kanye West is Taco Bell


Keeps adding weird new stuff to the menu but we only like the old stuff.

… Migos is Waffle House


Gross and I’m judging you for loving it.

… Young Thug is the filthy dumpster behind Waffle House



Which rappers do you have a taste for? And which ones make your stomach turn? Let us know below.



  1. This is pretty funny. I’ve been running through the articles on this blog for the past few days. Great writing! Why won’t you write about Cardi B’s blow up? I think her music (and that style in general) is terrible but I’d like to hear your thoughts too.

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