Hey, it’s time for BET’s annual showcase!
The time of year old heads like me put up with 3 hours of horrid performances to await the ONE tribute performance that guarantees to be great.
And … that’s pretty much the case this year.
So if you spent your Sunday watching the return of Power or Fear the Walking Dead or whatever else sane people do on Sunday night, catch up on what you missed over at BET.
And if you didn’t already know it, BET LOVES Chance the Rapper and New Edition.
You’ll see what I mean.
Here are 20 questions that flew through my brain while watching this year’s ENDLESS awards show.
1. The show opened with my man Bruno Mars melting the stage into a puddle of goo with his performance of “Perm.” I guess we’re saving the best for first, huh?
Oh, and here’s a message for the Twitter Think Piece Posse:
THROW SOME PERM ON YOUR ATTITUDE BLACK TWITTER.
Bruno’s doing R&B better than the Mumble Mafia and he constantly shows respect to the genre’s forefathers. I don’t see your favorite struggle vocalists doing the same.
Stop looking at melanin and start looking at talent.
Y’all got me heated already and I’m just on Question No. 1.
2. Host Leslie Jones introduced the show and spent the next FOUR HOURS doing her DJ Khaled impression, screaming all over the place. Who told her “funny” = “yelling?” She was on stage three minutes and already needed an inhaler and a bean bag chair.
3. Migos won the award for Best Group, or as I like to call it, The 14:58 of Your 15 Minutes of Fame Left Award. When are y’all gonna outgrow of these guys like you outgrew the St. Lunatics?
4. Solange took home the Centric Award, or as I like to call it, the These Nominated Songs Are Actually Good Award. The winning track? “Cranes in the Sky,” of course. She went on to thank “The Universe,” cuz Solange.
5. Migos performed their two garbage songs – the one about raindrops and the other one about their T-shirt – and of course the crowd went ballistic. Does ANYONE understand what these guys are saying outside the hooks?
Shout out to the closed caption guy trying to decipher their Fisher Price bars.
6. Trey Songz had time to cut up his jeans but not cut his hair? Oh OK.
7. How did Chance the Rapper win Best New Artist when Acid Rap was released in 2013?
8. Shout out to Mary J. Blige for her Macho Man Randy Savage tribute outfit.
Set Me Free @maryjblige 🔥🔥🔥
— Mary J. Blige Source (@MJBSource) June 26, 2017
Did you hear the venom she was spitting on “Set Me Free?” Her ex Kendu was probably back at the house like
9. Why do y’all keep trying to make Big Sean happen?
Live footage of him trying to catch the beat:
10. Yes, yes, I know I’m old and my knees sound like someone snapping saltine crackers when I stand up, but answer this – why do we continue to give passes to subpar singers (*cough*Khalid*cough*)?
R&B in 2017: Sound like you drank 4 bottles of Nyquil, stand on stage in one place like someone nailed your feet to the floor and pray your career isn’t over in two months.
11. THEN came the highlight of my night – the reunion of Xscape! And they sounded
great! Well Kandi was a bit suspect
And they sounded pretty aight!
They had me like: “WHO CAN I RUN TO? WHEN I NEED LUVVVVVVVVVV?”
When is that new album, ladies?
12. Future still has a job, huh?
Future with his mouth welded shut is the best Future.
13. Oh lord. Tamar Braxton. Listen, I’ll be the first to admit that she’s a great, great artist. But WHEN is she gonna learn to stop oversinging? I’m a fan of “My Man,” and I liked the first half of her performance, but her Elsa Catching the Holy Ghost act added NOTHING to this song.
14. Sigh. We got our annual visit from Miss BET herself, Debra Lee, who is basically your church announcements come to life. She then announced Chance the Rapper as “a young man from THE CHAI.”
Not Chi, as in Chi-Town, CHAI as in tea.
When are y’all gonna make that lady sit down?
15. On a serious note, Chance’s Humanitarian Award win was a big deal, and his heartfelt speech added to the moment. He’s so sincere that you can’t help but root for this guy.
Remember when we felt the same about this guy?
Yeah, that was a long time ago.
16. What was the performance of the night, you ask? That belonged to New Edition, who won a Lifetime Achievement Award. The first half of the performance featured actors from the BET miniseries singing classic hits – basically the same performance we saw at the end of the series. THEN, the originals hit the stage and finally, they were joined by their dopplegangers for an ensemble singalong.
At one point there were about 400 New Editions on the stage. And I was here for it.
17. Kendrick Lamar won best Male Hip-Hop artist. Seriously, was there any other choice there?
18. Beyonce took home the Viewers Choice award for “Sorry.” Bey’s proteges the Bailey sisters accepted in her honor and at first glance I was like, “MAN her twins grew up QUICK.”
By the way, why was Twitter whining about Beyonce skipping this year’s awards? I mean, the same people complaining about Beyonce missing the show – after giving birth to TWINS, mind you – haven’t clocked in on time at their own raggedy jobs since 2011. Playa please.
19. And in the most feel good moment of the night – at least in my rotten, petty soul – was Remy Ma beating the competition (namely Nicki Minaj) to win the Best Female Hip-Hop Artist award.
This is how Remy ended her speech. And I quote:
“Y’all b****es got fat while we starved/Shots in your a**, Pads in your bras.”
How you feeling, Nicki?
20. Finally, FOUR HOURS after Bruno gave us that hot intro, DJ Khaled and his merry band of trash bags ended the night in ice cold fashion with one of those songs from his boring album. Why couldn’t we just end with Remy?
The Bottom Line: I know I was pretty tough on the show (that’s why y’all keep me around, right?) but the event wasn’t THAT unbearable. A few artists I didn’t mention like Maxwell, El Debarge, SZA and even my Cousin Chris Brown gave solid to strong performances.
THE. SHOW. WAS. JUST. SO. LONG.
BET is so disrespectful to people with real jobs.
Catch it on DVR, skip over all the mumble rappers and bad comedy and you’ve got a decent 2 1/2 hour show.
“Decent” is a small miracle in award-show terms. Take it or leave it.