For years, longtime fans of BET have been clamoring for the station to return to its days of glory – those days where programming both entertained and informed young minds. They made us proud of our heritage and eager to share our culture with the world.
BET listened. And this is what we got:
— BET (@BET) August 6, 2015
We can’t get another show discussing important cultural issues like Teen Summit.
We can’t get another show highlighting past, present and future R&B stars like Video Soul.
We can’t get another show that embraces hip-hop culture like Rap City.
We can’t get another show that delves into the day’s most pertinent news headlines like BET News, or even my dude TJ Holmes’ “Don’t Sleep.”
But you know what we can get? Low-budget videos from Z-list rappers surrounded by the most homely collection of strippers known to man.
YES, BET Uncut, the show that gave us great moments in black history like Nelly swiping a credit card between a stripper’s butt cheeks and a Nair-less stripper shaking her pubic hair in Ludacris’ “P-Poppin'” video, is back to wreak havoc on our social consciousnesses.
And you thought we had a tough enough time getting America to take us seriously for #BlackLivesMatter — wait till Mighty Casey comes through with his “White Girls.”
Those “girls” looked like they were pushing 57 year old in 2003. They must be playing spades with Betty White by now.
Even better news Uncut fans — instead of airing at 3 a.m. Eastern like its predecessor, this new Uncut will air at 11 p.m.! You too can twerk alongside the evening news!
This can’t be life.
The only positive aspect of BET Uncut was that it was an outlet for underground artists looking to get their music on cable TV. But in the age of Internet, cable TV isn’t the medium of choice. Besides, if you wanna watch G-Unit or somebody spit struggle bars in a dimly-lit strip club, World Star Hip Hop has you covered.
So yeah, Uncut’s return seems as ill-advised as a new solo album from Jermaine Dupri, but the show’s original run did give us one brilliant gem:
THIS VIDEO IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. UNLESS YOU WORK AT THE GENTLEMAN’S CLUB.
Every night, Black Jesus opened the doors of his filthy church to present the most hilariously awful song in BET history. “What That Thang Smell Like” is so ridiculously catchy — it infests your body like an incurable STD, forever staining your soul. And the video? Lord, from the dude on the hook trying in vain to hit Aaron Hall high notes to a lunchlady in purple draws grinding for dollars, it’s the best/worst car crash you’ve ever witnessed.
To even enter those hallowed halls, somebody’s uncle had to sniff your fingers!
What a time to be alive.
That’s the thing about BET Uncut, I guess — as absolutely vile, offensive and downright pointless as it was, it had a strange allure over viewers, beckoning them to watch just to see how bad things would get. It was kinda like watching people eat spiders and roaches on Fear Factor – you tuned in just to see if things could possibly get any more disgusting.
It always did. Until it just got boring. That’s why they canceled the fiasco in the first place.
Uncut caters to the lowest common denominator, and that brings ratings. BET knows that. That’s why it’s returning. And they should be ashamed.
But I should be ashamed too for loving Black Jesus.
Ah, don’t be mad at just me, tho. Even Cell from Dragon Ball Z wonders what that thang smell like.