At some point during the red carpet of the MTV VMAs pre-show, when Tight-Pants Singer No. 483 was talking to Shaved Head Girl No. 290, I came to a startling conclusion — I’m WAY too old for this show.
Like most of you reading this, the VMAs were an integral part of my music fandom, home to iconic performances and unforgettable memories. I guess that’s why we keep tuning in year after year, both embracing our nostalgia and hoping against hope that THIS YEAR, MTV will replicate the magic of our youth.
Yeah, this show just wasn’t geared toward me. Here are 20 reasons why.
1. The show opened with Nicki Minaj performing her dazzling array of mediocre hits and was soon joined by Taylor Swift for a kumbaya moment. This, of course, was in response to their Twitter spat a few months back. If you recall, Nicki whined about her degrading twerk-fest “Anaconda” being overlooked for a Video of the Year nomination, basically claiming that MTV had a problem with curvy women and instead embraced stick figures. Well, she had NO PROBLEM tap dancing for Viacom Media Networks tonight, did she?
2. America is still trying to make Macklemore a thing, huh? Even Kool Moe Dee, Grandmaster Caz and Melle Mel couldn’t stop the performance from looking like the Kidz Bop version of The Warriors.
3. The human canker sore Miley Cyrus served as host, and the promos leading up to the show all but promised that she would projectile vomit all over the audience. But you know what? She wasn’t THAT crazy, just obnoxiously over the top — like a gas station cashier with glittery eyeliner who talks you to death instead of giving you your change.
4. Who dressed Justin Bieber like a wack secret character from Tekken Tag Tournament?
5. Was I the only person disappointed in The Weeknd’s performance? He looked like me dancing around the stage, and that ain’t exactly a compliment.
6. Hey kids, did you know that if you whine and cry on social media, people will eventually give you what you want? Thank Nicki Minaj for that life lesson — her “Anaconda” video won Best Hip-Hop Video. Yay.
7. And speaking of Ratchet Roman, Nicki brings us our first “controversy” of the night, as she “broke script” and proceeded to “read” Miley, who had criticized Nicki for her “Anaconda” Twitter meltdown. Miley dismissed the “beef,” claiming the media was just stirring the pot, but THEN proceeded to “drag” Nicki for “shading” her and I’m running out of quote marks for this fake “beef.” If you listen closely, you can hear 350 think pieces being typed on this fraudulence RIGHT NOW.
When will y’all stop falling for this manufactured foolishness?
8. Here’s a pleasant surprised: Who would have guessed that Demi Lovato’s beach-themed “Cool for the Summer” would be one of the best performances of the night?
9. But WHO let Iggy Azalea out of Twitter jail to join Demi on stage? Every time you think she’s gone she just keeps showing up, like silverfish at your grandma’s house.
10. Ugh, why does EVERY song on this show sound like the theme song for a Disney sitcom?
11. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM YOUR FAVORITE BLOGGER: Y’all REALLY gotta stop calling every squeaky-voiced dancer “the Michael Jackson of your generation.” Do you REALLY think The Weeknd, Bieber, Ne-Yo or my Cousin Chris Brown are in the same stratosphere as MJ? Stop the madness.
12. In a night filled with run-of-the-mill performances, Tori Kelly should be arrested for MTV grand larceny — ol’ girl absolutely stole the show. Proof: ONE NOTE into her performance of “Should’ve Been Us” and my wife ran into the room, saying “Who was that? I thought heard someone who sounded like they could actually sing.” It took Tori just one note to body every other performer on the show.
13. And then it was time for the trainwreck you all came to see: Kanye West being presented with the Video Vanguard award. Taylor Swift presented Kanye with the award because OF COURSE SHE WOULD. Didn’t your soul disintegrate when she said that The College Dropout was the first album she bought on iTunes? Lemme just sign up for AARP right now.
14. Once Kanye was presented the award, he just stood on stage soaking up the cheers…
…for what seemed like waaaay too long…
…like real adults don’t have a job to go to in the morning.
Maybe I was just distracted by Kim K — didn’t it look like she had two Lil Bow Wow’s under that dress? Lord.
— The Daily Dot (@dailydot) August 31, 2015
15. And in a moment that will be on your timelines for the next week, Kanye gave a speech about being misunderstood in the grocery store … or how the media manufactures controversy for ratings … or playa, I don’t know WHAT this dude was talking about. If he was at my church, an old woman with a magnificent hat would say, TAKE YA TIME, BABY, TAKE YA TIME. LET HIM USE YA! I mean, it was essentially the “I Have A Dream” speech for Hotep Twitter. Ye FINALLY ended by joking (I HOPE he was joking) that he was running for president in 2020. Would YOU vote for this man?
— Annie Colbert (@anniecolbert) August 31, 2015
16. And wait, did Kanye REALLY call himself a millennial?
17. Dude is knocking on 40’s front door! IN WHAT TIME WARP IS KANYE WEST A MILLENNIAL?
18. Was I the only one who noticed that all of Miley’s god-awful skits involved black men getting high with her? When MLK dreamed of little black and white children playing together, I’m guessing he wasn’t thinking about this.
19. Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” won Video of the Year because OF COURSE SHE WOULD. Playa, are you really surprised? Taylor was in the opening segment of the show, presented Kanye with his big award, wins the biggest honor herself and of course all night showed her dancing around like a Kleenex in the wind. MTV = MORE TAYLOR VIDEOS.
20. The show closed with Miley singing an “edgy” new song about smoking pot. Did you download her free album after the performance? If so, I won’t acknowledge you in public. Not a head nod or nuthin.
Go home, Miley.
Here’s the problem with the VMAs: A show that established itself as being entertaining and edgy is trying WAY TOO HARD too be controversial these days, with painfully fake beefs, incoherent ramblings and nip slips (yeah, don’t even ask). If not for Tori Kelly and Demi Lovato, the “M” in VMA would be totally pointless.
Here are the saddest tweets of the evening. 2o years ago, we had this:
— evan auerbach (@evboogie) August 31, 2015
Now, we have this:
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) August 31, 2015
MTV needs to do better.