The Playa Please Awards: Worst Celebrity Moments of 2014

2014: the year we lost even more faith in our favorite celebs — if that was even possible.

Every December around this time, we close out the year looking at the stars who made us want to revoke our fandom, boycott their material or just move to another galaxy to escape their foolishness.

Yes, playas, it’s time for the annual Playa Please Awards — a look back at the worst celebrity moments of the year.

Sorry to dig at these old wounds, but someone had to do it.

tank instagram

The cover of Tank’s upcoming album, The Struggle Is Real. (image via)

Tank’s album flops and it’s your fault

The offense: Shirtless R&B crooner Tank just made it in under the wire. Dude had an Instagram meltdown last week, blaming everyone but himself for the failure of his most recent album, Stronger — the label for not supporting him, fans for not buying enough copies,  white artists for getting more media shine, etc. And this quote was the worst: “I look better, sing better, produce better, write better, and perform better than dam (sic) near everybody and this is the thanks I get?” Never mind the fact that the album was straight up narcolepsy — we’re supposed to blindly support it because he looks better than everyone else. I mean, have you seen his abs, people!?

But it’s not so bad:  If you look past Tank’s third-grade tantrum he does have a point. It’s no secret that talent takes a back seat to industry smoke and mirrors. But why scold your core fan base — the ones who have been riding with you through thick and thin? And if your argument is “take me seriously as an artist because I look better than that guy,” aren’t you falling into the SAME TRAP of image over substance you were complaining about in the first place?

jeremy-meeks

“Girl I don’t care he got a record. He got them pretty eyez…”

In love with a thug

The offense: I ain’t mad at Jeremy Meeks, the man arrested on five weapons charges whose mugshot went viral. I’m mad at the overwhelming thirst of tens of thousands of social media creepers who made a felon a sex symbol. Now I’m not saying the man is some Lex Luthor terrorist plotting world domination, but if y’all gotta look on post-office wanted posters to find dates, you need to do better.

But it’s not so bad: Meeks’ wife already flexed on you ladies for chasing after her man. I wouldn’t want to cross that woman.

paula

Heartbreak usually leads to good music. Um, not this time.

Robin Thicke, los lonely boy

The offense: I’ve been giving out free relationship advice in this space for years now. Too bad the homie Robin Thicke didn’t ask for my wisdom, I’m pretty sure I would have told him that releasing an “album” that’s just 45 minutes of whining and begging isn’t a good look. With well-crafted lyrics like  “Please, please, please, please, please, please, please,” this dude sounds like a kid begging his mom for popcorn at the movies, not a man trying to save his marriage.

But it’s not so bad: Paula Patton didn’t fall for this garbage, and good for her. And neither did Thicke’s fans. This album sold like 50 copies the first week in Australia and just 500 in the UK. 

bieber blonde

Ellen DeGeneres is aging horribly.

Justin Bieber: American Horror Story

The offense: Every year, your little sister’s favorite dreamboat lands on this list, and this year he reached an all-time low. Along with the usual offenses of drunk driving allegations and egg tossing (???), you can now add racism to the list of reasons to hate this guy.  First, video arose of  Bieber making racist jokes so embarrassing that even people with the reddest of necks wouldn’t crack a smile. I love how ol’ girl on the left wouldn’t even acknowledge his stupidity and just stared at her cell phone the whole time. But that wasn’t enough — he later dropped another vid, altering his boring “One Less Lonely Girl” song to “One Less Lonely (Dreaded N-Word)” and giggling about joining the Ku Klux Klan.

But it wasn’t so bad: In this moron’s defense, these videos were made back during his teen years and only just now surfaced. We all did stupid things as children — he was just dumb enough to video his infractions. I’d chalk those mistakes up to immaturity, but this is a grown man who throws eggs at people for fun. Don’t give him too much credit.

paper cover

Mrs. Potato Head.

 Kim K breaks Internet, sets daughter up for years of therapy

The offense: Lord, it’s getting harder and harder to defend Kimmie K. Everyone complains that she’s addicted to the limelight and is famous for doing nothing, yet those same people turn around and watch her terrible reality show and live on her Instagram page. She knows how to push her brand, you can’t hate on that. But I CAN hate on her butt-bearing cover for Paper Magazine. While I wholeheartedly agree that Sir Mix-A-Lot set the template for the perfect woman, I ain’t trying to see it on a magazine cover, especially a mother who greased up her cheeks to look like rolls from Golden Corral.

But it wasn’t so bad: I think Kim has officially jumped the shark with this one and any of her future attempts at attention will be met with rolled eyes and deaf ears. Expect a lot of radio silence through most of 2015 as she tries to salvage whatever’s left of her Krispy-Kreme-glazed image.

uncle-ruckus

Artist rendering of Don Lemon in 30 years. (image via)

Don Lemon loves to play the blame game

The offense: If you ever wondered what a young Uncle Ruckus from “The Boondocks” was like, look no further than CNN’s worst anchor. This dude spent 12 months wagging his finger at black folks for every one of society’s problems. Now y’all know I’m QUICK to criticize coonery in the black community but come on — this guy blamed Bieber’s N-word tirades on black culture; during the Ferguson protests was TAKEN ABACK by the smell of marijuana in the air (as if viewers at home cared one iota), and worst of all, in the wake of the Cosby rape scandal, claimed that victims should just chomp down on penises to avoid being raped.

But it wasn’t so bad: Actually, these offenses were so bad that I planned to give him the grand Playa Please Award — until Complex beat me to it. I didn’t  want to see like a biter (or, as Don calls it, “rape defense”) so I found one person who was even more despicable…

kanye808s

Kanye West doesn’t care about handicapped people.

Kanye West stands for ignorance

The offense: Every year, Ye Electric Slides his way on to this list, but 2014 is the year he went from deluded loudmouth to cartoonish super villain. During a show in Sydney, Australia, the world’s most famous college dropout demanded everyone to stand up. Two handicapped fans, one in a wheelchair, the other with a prosthetic limb, obviously, could not. But Ye wasn’t trying to hear it, basically holding the show hostage until the two fans got up to pay Yeezus homage. What part of the game is THIS?

But it WAS so bad: With Ye being Ye, he somehow blamed his immature actions on the evil media. That’s like getting mad at your mom when she catches you stealing from her wallet. But Kanye’s excuses are to be expected. What really pissed me off was when a friend told me that Ye pulled a similar stunt at a show a few years ago that went unpublicized. He refused to perform until some woman in the front row stood up, even though she was unable.

Kanye’s a piece of garbage even when the cameras aren’t rolling. That’s commitment. And that’s why he gets this year’s Playa Please Award. Take it with pride. Then do better with your life.

play please award 2014

Props to my man Charles Clark for this year’s Triflin’ Trophy.

Who else deserved dishonoring this year? Let a brother know in the comments.

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