Three days ago, I expected yet another yawn-enducing Grammy show. But with the music world still rocked by the shocking loss of Whitney Houston, there was hope that the show just wouldn’t go through the motions, as usual. One thing was for sure – I was in no mood for the usual minstrel antics from your favorite rappers.
Of course, that was just wishful thinking. Right, Nicki?
1. Our host LL Cool J opened up things with a prayer dedicated to Whitney Houston. Immediately, this question popped in my head: How many times will this fool lick his lips tonight? We’ll see.
LL Lip Lick Counter: 9
2. Bruno Mars’ high-energy performance was pretty fun, but does he go to the same beautician as Alicia Keys? Even Adam Levine was rockin’ the same hair. Man, Aquanetta had plenty of business this weekend at Da House of Stylez.
3. What was up with the fashions? Lady Gaga was dressed like my grandma’s screen door, Katy Perry looked like one of Sailor Moon’s Sailor Scouts, and your girl Icki Nicki Garbaj looked like a smashed tomato.
4. My Cousin Chris Brown’s performance got a lot of Twitter praise, but didn’t it just look like a giant game of Q*Bert?
5. Kanye and Jay-Z’s “Otis” picked up a Grammy – isn’t it great when a deserving song actually wins? I’m just sorry we missed Kanye’s annual “set black folks back 20 years” award speech.
6. A Target ad featuring kids singing Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep” turned a lot of heads. The lead vocalist was great. How long will it take for her to get a record deal and start singing auto-tune about tearin’ up the club and wetting the bed?
7. Ugh, Rihanna. She maintained her usual high standard of excellence by sounding like she just woke up after a cold night on a park bench. And I don’t understand why she’s considered sexy. She looks like Cruella De Vil, sounds like Cruella De Vil, dances like Cruella De Vil – is Cruella really that sexy?
8. When it was announced that a legendary band would reunite, did your heart skip a beat in anticipation of The Fugees?
9. No, that band was the fossilized remains of The Beach Boys. While they were fossil-fueling it up on stage, didn’t they look like ShowBiz Pizza animatronics?
LL Lip Lick Counter: 18
10. No disrespect, we all love Stevie Wonder, but isn’t it time for him to let those braids go? His hairline starts at the base of his neck. Well, it’s not like he can see how bad they look….
11. Cousin Chris nabbed an R&B Grammy. Huh, a wannabe rapper winning R&B honors. Will El DeBarge win the Best Rap Performance Grammy next year?
12. Conversation at Georgia Mae headquarters:
Wifey: Did you know Diana Ross never won a Grammy?
Me: Neither has Keith Sweat!
Wifey: *rolls eyes*
13. Yeah, she held back a bit, but Adele had an amazing performance, especially considering that she just had vocal surgery. Meanwhile, Rihanna was shown in the crowd eating Goobers. Doesn’t that say it all?
LL Lip Lick Counter: 21
14. Weren’t you absolutely furious that Vesta Williams didn’t get a mention during the tributes to fallen musicians? She was no Amy Winehouse but they could have at least shown a clip. There was no excuse for that horrible oversight.
15. Finally, the moment the world was waiting for – the Whitney Houston tribute. I thought Jennifer Hudson did a strong job performing “I Will Always Love You.” There was a lot of complaining about the brevity of it, but give them a break – they had less than 24 hours to pull it together. Would you have preferred BET do it? We would have gotten Ciara and Mindless Behavior doing the “honors.”
16. I don’t know WHAT was going on during that Chris Brown/Lil Wayne/David Guetta performance. Wayne actually had the audacity to use the word “smooches” in a rap without a hint of irony. That tremor you just felt? That was Biggie rolling in his grave.
17. And who was that Darth Vader rat guy with them? Is that what’s hot in the streets now?
18. Oh yes, Icki Garbaj’s big performance. I expected garbage, but instead received nuclear waste. Everyone’s Favorite Rapper Drake did the introduction, with his Nicki thirst level at an all-time high. Then we got a song that was sacrilegious, insulting, stupid and boring all at once. Now that takes true talent. Social media unanimously tore her to shreds. Did we just witness the end of Icki’s career? One can only hope.
19. Wasn’t it kinda refreshing to see Adele’s award dominance? She deserved every award and seemed very touched. It’s OK, Adele, feel free to snot and slobber all over the place. You earned that mucus.
20. The best part about tonight? No one can ever, EVER defend Icki Garbaj as a talented artist ever again. EVER.
Final LL Lip Lick Counter: 27, give or take 40 or so licks.