Well, what I expected to be yet another crappy, run-of-the mill award show started out somewhat newsworthy. During the pre-show Beyonce finally officially announced what had been rumored for months – she’s pregnant. Congrats to hip-hop’s first couple. Let’s just hope Baby Jayonce doesn’t look like this in 15 years:
With that blockbuster announcement, you’d think the momentum would carry over into the big show. But you would be wrong. So very wrong.
1. Lady Gaga opened the show and confused millions of viewers by channeling potty-mouthed comedian Andrew “Dice” Clay. Did she really think that her fans would get a reference to a guy whose career was hot for six months in 1991? Sadly, she kept the charade up ALL NIGHT LONG.
2. Weren’t you disappointed when faux-host Kevin Hart announced that he’d be strictly conducting backstage interviews? Kevin with his Thriller jacket was one of the few highlights.
3. My mortal enemy, Nicki Minaj, annoyed me right out of the gate. Who let her out of the house dressed like a ballerina Transformer ninja?
4. The fat guy from the movie Superbad is no longer fat nor funny. Where was McLovin?
5. Kanye and Jay-Z’s “Otis” performance was a bit weak. Hovi sounded a bit strained and under the weather. Did he just find out Beyonce was pregnant too?
6. By the way, Jay was wearing Timberlands – does that mean y’all are gonna all start wearing Tims again?
7. Icky Garbaj’s “Super Bass” won Hip Hop Video of the year. Since when has that song been consider hip hop? Selena Gomez has videos that go harder than this.
8. Pitbull’s performance wasn’t bad, but what was up with his barber shop quartet pants?
9. Katy Perry and Kanye West grabbed a moonman for their “ET” collaboration. But did you notice Kanye sneaking in a line about how my Cousin Chris Brown should have won for “Look At Me Now?” Ah, Kanye, you NEVER learn.
10. Were you on Twitter when Adele performed? If so, you had no one to talk to – it went SILENT when she hit the stage. Thank you, Adele, for putting music back into the Video Music Awards.
11. Poor Justin Bieber, why was he dressed like he crawled out of a pile of Kanye’s dirty clothes? He made sure to thank God AND Jesus – didn’t want to leave anyone out, I guess.
12. Sigh, Jessie J., no one in Georgia Mae headquarters knew who you were. I had to ask around on Twitter to be reminded that she had the minor hit “Pricetag.” Who let her sing karaoke before all the commercials? It started out OK but by the time she started butchering TLC’s “No Scrubs,” the goodwill was gone.
13. When Kim Kardashian jumped the broom last week, was she replaced by a robot? The woman had ZERO emotion tonight. She couldn’t even clap on beat.
14. Britney’s kiddie tribute was pretty cool but isn’t MTV’s constant Britney worship starting to get a bit obvious – and old?
15. So, y’all are seriously telling me Cousin Chris had the best performance of the night? Playa please, I don’t think so. Yes, the high-wire stuff was cool, but there was no real singing involved. The little lip-syncing he did looked like an bad karate flick dub. I need more than ghetto Cirque du Soleli acts to be impressed by a musical performance.
15. Why was everyone tripping because Beyonce was performing while preggo? As big as she looks, there’s no doubt she was pregnant at the BET Awards a couple of months ago and she survived that OK. I just hope y’all keep the Illuminati baby jokes to a minimum in the coming months.
16. On a related note, Odd Future frontman Tyler the Creator wins Best New Artist and everyone on Twitter runs to Google to figure out who this guy is. How’d he win a people’s choice award but no one knew he exists? #He’sRealIlluminati. Oh, and if you missed it, here was his acceptance speech:
“fdakjfd;lajfldfsk (bleep) fadfjlkdajldfjadl fl kjldakjfsld fds (bleep) (bleep) fdadsfasd (bleeeeeeeeeeep)”
17. The wifey was disappointed but I enjoyed the Amy Winehouse tribute. Who made the call for Bruno Mars to sing instead of Adele? That wasn’t the brightest decision.
18. I know I’ve been criticizing outfits all night, but this year’s fashion has been atrocious. Why was Drake wearing a J.C. Penny Back to School outfit with my grandma’s chain?
19. Lil Wayne closed out the VMAs hopscotching across the stage with his pants down. Aren’t you glad Biggie isn’t alive to see this mess?
20. Oh VMAs, why are you so boring? The BET Awards may be 100 times worse, but at least they’re a bit more entertaining.