I’m a grown man who hasn’t seen most of the Pixar movies that people are obsessed with, but I was challenged to check ’em all out and share my thoughts. Join me as I watch ’em all one by one – see if I buy into the hype.
Movie No. 12: Cars 2 (2011)
So, we’re now in the second half of this Pixar journey, which includes a handful of movies I’ve seen in the past.
This is my first time seeing Cars 2, though, and to say its reputation precedes it is an understatement. I’ve been warned for over a week now that Cars 2 was the worst of Pixar’s bunch.
You should have warned me harder.
This isn’t a sophomore slump. It was straight up sloppy seconds.
During the opening sequence, when a car falls into the oceans and EXPLODES INTO SPARE PARTS, I knew I was gonna be in for a loooooong Saturday afternoon.
And the bane of my existence? Tow. Mater.
I didn’t even catch that terrible pun in the first movie. The good Lord had mercy on me then but I was certainly forsaken now.
Mater was pretty endearing in Cars 1 as the goofy but well-intentioned buddy of Lightning McQueen. But this time they decided to rev up the obnoxious factor, basically making him Waldo from Family Matters. I spent the half the movie yelling at the screen, “act like you’ve been somewhere!”
We’re supposed to feel sympathy for this guy, but when he’s constantly farting, OD’ing on wasabi and flirting with female spies instead of, you know, DOING HIS JOB during McQueen’s race, I shed no tears. Also, the whole message of the movie was screwed up – McQueen telling Mater to use his inside voice, be professional and focus during the big race wasn’t an attempt to “change him,” he was trying to get him to, again, DO HIS JOB.
Trust, if I walk up in city hall tomorrow, start licking the walls during a press conference and asked aloud if that was my pee on floor, no one should be scolded for trying to “change me.” The only thing that should be changed is the locks on the office doors when they throw me out.
And we haven’t even gotten to the weirdness of the movie transforming into James Bond on wheels halfway through. James Autobahn? Eh, I’ll workshop that later.
I wouldn’t have minded the direction if it didn’t feel so tacked on. Plus it was stacked with dumb movie tropes: Girl car REVERSING POLARITY out of nowhere to get out of the clock death trap; McQueen chasing booby-trapped Mater on the track for 10 minutes but Mater being too stupid to just say “stay back there is a bomb in me;” Mater figuring out the bad guy’s plot in mere seconds when an hour ago he wasn’t sure if he peed on himself or not.
I’m gonna go outside and punch the first tow truck I see.
Obviously this movie annoyed me to my very core but as a kids’ film, I guess it was OK if you haven’t mastered your times tables and eat glue. Maybe if we got Cars 1 Mater instead of WHATEVER he was supposed to be in this movie, it would have been more watchable.
Be glad I watched this movie 12th and not first because I would have given up on the Pixar Project immediately. And there’s a THIRD movie coming later? I’m gonna look like Will Smith trying to sit through Red Table Talk. #BadMoviesForLife.
2 stars out of 5
Toy Story 3
A Bug’s Life
Toy Story 2
**CARS 2 DUH**
Next up is Brave. I’ve seen that one recently and I think I liked it more than most of y’all did. We may have another Bug’s Life on our hands here, folks.
We can agree as a family that it’s better than National Lampoon’s Mater Vacation, right?