OK playas, allow me to smack you in your dentures with that blunt knowledge you love and respect from this blog:
If you’re old enough to remember when Biggie and 2pac walked the Earth and weren’t simply hip hop’s version of Santa and the Easter Bunny, here’s a sad fact – you’re too old for MTV.
While watching the preshow of the 2013 VMAs, viewers were introduced to all manner of Hobbits and Bratz Dolls who apparently are big-time pop stars now. I had no idea who they were. And judging by my timeline, neither did most of you.
But forget the new – according to my social media streams, tonight was all about the old.
Y’all came for N*SYNC and Justin Timberlake. Wise choice.
If you missed the show, here’s what went down:
1. Who was the genius who decided to open the show with an extreme close-up of Lady Gaga’s face stuck in a weird box? She looked like a talking fever blister. Her performance of “Applause” was OK I guess, if you didn’t mind watching a woman change wigs every 30 seconds. I could have gone to church and watched choir members if I wanted to see that.
2. One Direction and their vacuum-sealed britches announced Selena Gomez as the winner of Best Pop Video. Is she still with Justin Bieber or is she with Gucci Mane now? Like her girl Taylor Swift, she seems to switch men like Gaga switches wigs.
3. Was I the only person who had to change his Underoos when that ad announced Eminem’s MMLP2 LP for Nov. 5? With Dr. Dre and Rick Rubin on board, Em better not disappoint.
4. Oh boy. Something that looked like the old Kanye West teddy bear opened up and gave birth to the ratchet creature known as Miley Cyrus. While she twerked her father into his grave, an 8 foot tall woman lurched around handing out candy.
My thoughts exactly, Smith family. What have we done?
5. America’s newest sex symbol is the daughter of Vera DeMilo.
America, are you not ashamed?
6. But that ain’t all. Robin Thicke appeared with 2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar to finish the set but it was too late. The train had already left the station and was a smoldering wreck. Nothing could remove the stench of twerk. By the way, why was Thicke dressed as Beetlejuice?
And Miley looks like one of those gargoyle dogs from Ghostbusters 2.
7. Hey, did you know LaToya Jackson would be making an appearance tonight? Oh wait, that’s Lil Kim. All that botox is squeezing her eyes shut.
8. Can someone please explain to me how Macklemore wins best Hip Hop Video over Kendrick Lamar? Yes, I know he’s a nice guy and he tries really hard to be positive. But I don’t care what y’all say, I’d rather put rabid squirrels down my pants than listen to him. His flow is trash. The award should be for quality, not intention. I’m not feeling the hip hop Roger Klotz.
9. Kevin Hart came out to waste everyone’s time. Why do y’all think he’s the second coming of Richard Pryor? He’s more like the annoying little cousin who won’t shut up. And if the top button of his shirt was any tighter his head would have popped.
10. Kanye West danced around in Winnie the Pooh’s Hundred Acre Wood during his “Blood on the Leaves” performance. Didn’t he look like he had the same choreography as the barefoot Cosby Show intro?
11. How did Daft Punk come out in sparkly blazers and helmets, dressed like the Transformers’ pimps, and still outclass everyone else on the show?
12. Of course Taylor Swift had the nerve to flirt with them and Pharrell while accepting her award for Best Female Video. How much you wanna bet her next song will be about Skateboard P and the Decepticons broke her heart?
13. Finally, FINALLY, playtime was over.
And I’m sure not talking about Peter Pan & The Pirates. Ladies aren’t you ashamed for lusting over them?
Nah, Justin Timberlake hit the stage and went absolutely ballistic. “Take Back The Night,” “SexyBack,” “Like I Love You,” “Cry Me A River,” he flew through all his hits in a breathless performance. He even brought back the Skittles dance floor on these peasants for his “Rock Your Body” routine. The king was back.
14. And yes, N*SYNC even hobbled on stage for about 30 seconds for a (very) brief throwback routine. Those guys haven’t missed any meals in their absence, huh? They were weezing like Darth Vader out there.
15. What was up with A$AP Rocky’s head? He looked like his mom was sick and his dad had to do his hair.
16. I had no idea what was going on with the Best New Artist category. I think I heard Lord Zedd and Austin Powers named but I don’t know playa, I was zoning out. Why does MTV act like folks don’t have work in the morning? I was ready to wrap things up.
17. Drake, who was literally wearing one of my wife’s blouses, performed tracks from his upcoming album. Someone please tell me, why was Jaden Smith rocking and holding his lips like a lady recovering from the Holy Ghost at church? He was having an otter body out of body experience.
18. Good for Bruno Mars for winning Best Male Video for “Locked Out Of Heaven,” one of my favorite songs of the year. I never noticed this until tonight, but doesn’t he kinda look like a Jackson? Between him, Lil Kim and ghostly porn star on the episode of Catfish before the awards, we could have had Tito, LaToya and MJ all under the same roof tonight.
19. Justin Timberlake (dressed as an Amish hipster) took home Video of the Year for “Mirrors,” to the shock of no one with a pulse. He dedicated the award to his grandparents, how can you hate on that?
20. Katy Perry ended the show by dancing around a boxing ring yelling “Roar” or something but who cares? Pretty much everyone checked out after JT raised the dead with his show-stopping set. Game over.
Well, if you like tight pants and twerking, this was the greatest awards show of all time.
The rest of us will stick with Justin Timberlake. Tonight was his defining moment, delivering one of the best performances in the storied history of the VMAs.
In JT we trust.