Love Letters: Why Do Women Revisit Their Pain?

Happy Valentine’s Day, playas! There’s no better way to celebrate than by prying into someone else’s love life.

Speaking of V’Day, first, some brief words for those who say “I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day because it’s a commercial creation of DA MAN.” If you don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day, that’s fine and totally your choice. Just don’t slosh your haterade on the rest of us. And seriously, if you’re offended by the commercialism of Valentine’s Day, you better not be copping flat screens and bunny baskets in the name of Christ on Christmas and Easter.

I don’t have to spend a king’s ransom on Valentine’s Day to show the wifey how much I care. Have you not noticed how much they jack up the prices of flowers around this time? Playa please, get those roses on August 3 instead.

I don’t wait for Feb. 14 to tell my wife how much I care. Still, it’s fine to use Valentine’s Day as a time to go the extra mile and really show your feelings. I show my wife love every day but it’s nice to step things up occasionally. It keeps that fire burning.

I hope you brothers are listening.

And if that wasn’t enough mastery for your membranes, I’ve got more. Here’s how you can get in on the action.

Send your inquiries to, or find me on twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname.   

Here’s today’s question:

Why do women continue to go back to men that hurt them emotionally and physically? Especially physically?  (Chris Brown and Rihanna) Don’t they know it will happen again?


The reader sent this question soon after Rihanna announced her reconciliation with my cranky Cousin Chris Brown. I’ll refrain on commenting on those two because a) I’m sick of talking about them and b) I don’t want to cause even more trouble with Breezy before the summer family reunion. He looks like he has the strength of 10 crackheads these days. I need to step my knuckle game up.

It’s unfair to say for sure that these women WILL be hurt again. I refuse to believe that ridiculous logic that ‘once a dawg, always a dawg’ and ‘a leopard never change his stripes’ or whatever tripe they spit on the Maury show. The problem arises when women are too quick to jump back into a relationship simply because the man says things will better this time. Actions speak much louder that words.

Before jumping headfirst into more drama, ease back into the relationship. Slooowly. No need to label it a ‘trial period’ or anything demeaning like that, just take things very slowly. And the second those bad habits return, bounce. Enabling that abuse essentially justifies it.

People can change. Just make sure they prove they’re willing to do it. And accept nothing less.

Eh, it’s Valentine’s Day, I guess I’ll bless y’all with a BONUS ROUND. What’s on your mind, KJ?

Overheard a conversation today. Two young ladies were talking and one told the other, “there’s a cutie over there for you!” The other girl replied, “Oh, he’s too dark I don’t date dark skin men.” I was shocked. Why is this so comment among African Americans choosing a mate in 2013? I thought that went out in the ’60s.


That girl must not have seen New Jack City and the moment where light-skinned brothers were forever shut down.

Seriously though, whether it’s 2013 or 1963, we still struggle with colorism and probably will for the foreseeable future. And it’s not just black folks. As long as BET, Vogue and our bitter, lonely friends are telling us how we should define beauty while we struggle with our own insecurities, we’ll continue to be stuck living up to other folks’ standards. That dreaded brown-paper-bag test will continue to linger.

It’s OK to have personal preferences but don’t let society-driven biases keep you from a great person.

Enjoy your Valentine’s Day. Don’t fight over white and dark chocolate – both will make your teeth fall out. They’re not so different after all, huh?


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