The Playa Please Awards: The Absolute Worst of 2012

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2012 was an awesome year for music. Nas, Kendrick Lamar and Frank Ocean all dropped game-changing albums and fostered a spirit of artistic creativity. For the first time in recent memory, young listeners were embracing quality music.

Brings a tear to my jaded eyes.

But it ain’t always sunny in Philadelphia, playa. This year was also with loaded with SMH moments, many of which I covered right on this very (awesome) blog.

As we always do around this time of year, let’s take a look back at the worst blunders of 2012 with hopes that we NEVER EVER REPEAT THEM. Their constant fails can only be described by two iconic words:

PLAYA PLEASE

Unfortunately, we had plenty of chumps to choose from: painfully unfunny comedian Katt Williams’ Target rampage, Snoop Dogg pretending to be Jamaican, Drake’s obsession with Aaliyah’s ghost, Mary J shuckin’ n’ jivin’ for chicken and Icki Garbaj doing what she does best – being an utter failure.

Oh, and this popular hairstyle:

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Money is so tight these days that women can only afford half of their weaves.

But their stumbles were nothing compared to the ladies and gentlemen below.

Before we crown this year’s biggest loser, let’s look at the runners-up:


The Jacksons: An American Nightmare.

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The offense: The Jacksons are like living pop-up ads. Every time you think you’ve blocked them out, they jump back in your face, annoying you endlessly. Among the usual spats, this is what we put up with this year:

Janet laying the smack down (literally) on Michael’s daughter; mother Katherine vanishing off the face of the earth, only to return in a creepy press conference claiming everything was fine (with half the family mean-mugging behind her); a nasty custody deathmatch where one of dudes from 3T (who apparently is one of Kim Kardashian’s conquests) emerged the guardian of Michael’s kids; and Jermaine Jackson changed his name to Jermaine JackSUN but didn’t bother changing his 1984 Grace Jones fade.

But it’s not so bad: Criticize the Jacksons if you must (and I will), but everyone’s family tree is filled with nuts and rotten apples. Don’t get me started on mine. The Jacksons have just as many issues as our families – I just wish they’d keep theirs behind closed doors. Plus, the guy from 3T hooked up with Kim K, so he’s obviously doing something right.

But so did Kanye, and Ray J, and that goofy-looking basketball dude – man, what am I doing wrong?

Your favorite rappers – wearing dresses.

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The offense: Did you not see the pics? And don’t give me that “It’s a kilt!” excuse.

Puffy’s “kilt” looks like what Sailor Moon n’ dem wore to school.

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Ye is wearing a leather mini-skirt and A$AP Rocky is rocking a straight-up moo-moo. Can you imagine Biggie spitting “Ten Crack Commandments” in a sparkling prom dress with the split up the side? He’d have cleavage like Aretha Franklin.

And I thought skinny jeans were the downfall of society. Is dressing like your grandma really what’s hot in the streets?

But it’s not so bad: I think most hip-hop fans realize this is just a lame attempt at shock value and that we’re not on the verge of a skirt-wearing renaissance. But the second I see a Gucci moo-moo, all bets are off.

Cousin Chris Brown’s annual rampage.

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My demented faux-cousin is in line for the Playa Please Lifetime Achievement award. He makes wildin’ out an art form. This year, lil’ cuz got in a club catfight with Young Money hand maiden Drake and MMG loudmouth Meek Mill over his ex Rihanna; cheated on broke up with his girlfriend Karrueche Tran to continue to chase, ugh, Rihanna (who went all year carrying baggage but still didn’t have room to carry ONE note); and most embarrassingly, quit Twitter when a comedienne called him out on his crap.

Let’s review: The biggest thug in R&B spent 12 months fighting over GIRLS (and losing), only to be run off of Twitter BY A GIRL. That’s right, the man known for laying hands women spent all year getting punked out by them. Fate is a cruel mistress.

But it’s not so bad: Like I mentioned with the Jacksons, all families have issues and sometimes you have to come to their aid. Cousin Chris caught a ton of flak for a tat that people claimed was an image of a battered Rihanna. I discredited those early reports and, of course, I was right.

See, he’s not all bad, just mostly bad.

Rick Rawsssssse gets accosted by REAL thugs and ducks for cover.

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- There’s only so long fake thugs can pretend: Jay-Z, The Takeover

Your boy Rozay slid in under the wire with this one. Not literally, of course, cuz that’s physically impossible. A couple of weeks ago, Rawssse canceled a bunch of tour dates. Why? Gangster Disciples from across the country posted YouTube videos calling out the Bawse for name-dropping Larry Hoover, the gang’s co-founder, among other offenses. Internet gangsters, you’ve been put on notice.

But it’s not so bad: Like any good method actor, give Rawse props for commitment to character. When asked if he felt threatened, he said: “Ricky Ross is a boss. You can’t cancel a Ricky Ross show without Ricky Ross’ permission.” He blamed the cancellation on shady promoters and THEN accused his accusers of being soft! This is the same man who just claimed to have Johnnie Cochran on his legal team – yes, the same Johnnie who’s been dead for almost 10 years. Rawse is so hilariously deluded that you can’t stay mad at him. I wish we all lived in his make-believe world of mansions made of gingerbread and meatloaf.

So who could be more ridiculous, more shameful than those we mentioned above?

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner (loser) of the 2012 Playa Please Award:

Bus driver knocks out mindless chickenhead

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I’m sure you’ve all seen the video that went viral a few months ago, and if not too bad, I’m not posting it. But to refresh you memory, a loud-mouthed brat cussed out and degraded a bus driver who quietly stood up, uttered his famous catchphrase (“you goin’ to jail today”) and uppercutted her into the next millennium. What could possibly be worse than that? I’ll tell you: the almost universal praise the grown man (in his 50s, reportedly) received for caving in the face of a 90-pound 20-year-old.

Why it WAS so bad: I’m not excusing the woman’s vile behavior, but why are we applauding violence? I’m no shrinking violet but come on. a) Men have no business attacking women unless their lives are threatened – I’m talking ax-murdered stuff, here, b) He could have easily restrained or even physically forced her off the bus (which he did afterward) and c) why are we even defending assault in the first place?

For everyone who continues to defend this man, think of it this way – if your daughter got in my face, would you – under any circumstance – approve of me knocking her to the pavement? OF COURSE NOT. You’d be trying to get Cochrane’s cell number from Rawse so you could sue.

Mr. Bus Driver, and all his defenders, I leave you with two words:

Playa please.

Props to the homie Charles Clark for his trophy prowess

Who else is deserving of dishonor in 2012?

2 Comments

  1. So many comments I want to leave on this post…
    1) “Criticize the Jacksons if you must (and I will), but everyone’s family tree is filled with nuts and rotten apples. Don’t get me started on mine.” <– You know what I’m dying to say about this but can’t. ;)
    2) Your Kim K. obsession continues to strain my eye-rolling muscles
    3) What if Rick Ross ate Chris Brown… Would R&B singers stop trying to be hard? Would Rick Ross finally be full and write rhymes that were actually meaningful? Just sayin’…
    4) I agree with your choice for this year’s biggest loser. In all seriousness, our country’s attitude toward violence and assault causes me to lose faith in humanity a little more each day.

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