Friday, August 14, 2009

Would you let THAT dude operate on you?

I wouldn't play the board game Operation with him. He seems like the type who would touch the sides on purpose just to hear the buzzer go off. And cackle like a gremlin the entire time.

Lil Wayne's song, "Dr. Carter," from last year's Tha Carter III, was hailed as a brilliant concept song.

I don't know about all that. Let's see.

Lil Wayne: Where's my coffee?
Nurse: Good Morning, Dr. Carter
Wayne: Hey sweetie
Nurse: Looks like it's going to be a long day.
Wayne: Uhhh, another one? What we got?
Nurse: Your first patient...
Wayne: Yeah?
Nurse: Is suffering from a lack of concept...
Wayne: Uh-Huh
Nurse: Originality...
Wayne: Ugh...
Nurse: His flow is weak...
Wayne: Another one...
Nurse: And he has no style
Wayne: Ugh...
Nurse: What you got for him?

So, Dr. Wayne is going to cure an ailing rapper of his wackness. First thing Weezy has to learn is workplace etiquette - you can't call your employees "sweetie." Didn't Obama get in trouble for that?

Verse 1
OK. Let me put my gloves on and my scrubs on.
Dr. Carter to the rescue.
Excuse me if I'm late, but like a thief it takes time to be this great.
Honestly, just wait. Your style is a disgrace,
Your rhymes are fifth place and I'm just grace.
One, Uno, Ace and I'm tryin to make your heart beat like bass,
but you're sweet like cake and I come to fix whatever you shall break.
Where is your originality? You are so fake
So picture me like a gallery. Capture what I say.
All I need is one mic. All I need is one take.
Like hey, brighter then the suns rays, Got a pistols on the playground
Watch the gunplay like no kidding.
No kids in the way, but the kids do watch,
Gotta watch what we say. Gotta work every day.
Gotta not be cliche. Gotta stand out like Andre 3K.
Gotta kick it, kick it like a sensei.
You gotta have faith, you gotta, gotta...
Wait, wait, I think I...think I lost one...


Apparently Dr. Carter shows up late. Bad sign. Would you want your surgeon showing up late? Drinking all that cough syrup can throw off your perception of time, that's for sure.

The funniest part of this verse is how he starts aimlessly rambling about stuff (you gotta have faith, you gotta...) and then the patient just dies. That's the PERFECT metaphor for today's radio.

2nd intro:
Nurse: Good afternoon, Dr. Carter
Lil Wayne: Nurse.
Nurse: I don't know about this one. His confidence is down, vocab and metaphors needs work, and he lacks respect for the game.
Lil Wayne: Uhhhh... Let me see...
Nurse: You think you can save him?

Verse 2:
Okay, respect is in the heart.
So thats where I'ma start.
And a lot of heart patients don't make it.
but hey kid plural I graduated
Cause you could get through anything if Magic made it.
And that was called recycling
are we reciting something cause you just like it
so you say it just like it.
Some say its biting but i say its enlightening
besides Dr. Kanye West is one of the brightest.
And Dr. Swizz can stitch your track up the tightest.
And Dr. Jeezy can fix you back up the nicest.
Arthritis in my hand from writing.
But I'ma doctor they don't understand my writing.
So I stop writing. Now i'm like lightning.
And you ain't Vince Young so don't clash with the Titan.
Fast and exciting. My passion is frighting.
Now let me put some more vocab in your I.V.
Here take this Vicodin
Like it and love it and confidence has no budget
so pay me no mind I don't walk like I talk it cause I'm running
I don't do it cause I done it and I'm in the emergency on it...

God d*mmit, I lost another one...


OK, even I'll admit that this line is hot: Arthritis in my hand from writing/But I'ma doctor they don't understand my writing. Niiiice, as Borat would say.

BUT, he gets no props for his "recycling" explanation. Back in my day, it was a HUGE no-no to steal another artist's lines, no matter how much you like it. "Some say its biting but i say its enlightening" - no, playa, I say it's biting.

And yet another patient dies. Wayne - the Kervorkian of the medical world.

3rd intro:
Nurse: Good evening, Dr. Carter, it's been a long day, but this one looks much better than the others. His respect is back up, concepts sound good, his style has shown strong sign of improvement. All he needs now, is his swagger
Lil Wayne: OK, let me take the gloves off then.

Verse 3
Swagger tighter than a yeast infection
Fly go hard like geese erection
Fashion patrol police detection
I stay tight like Chinese connection.
I stay tight like p**** at night
Baby don't get me wrong I could do that p**** right
But I'm to wrong to write. Too fresh to fight.
Too paid to freestyle. Too good to freestyle.
I had to say it twice, swagger so nice
And don't ask me s*** unless it concern a price.
And I don't rap fast I rap slow
Cause I mean every letter in the words in the sentence of my quotes
Swagger just flow sweeter than honey oats
That swagger I got it I wear it like a coat
Wait, as I put the light down his throat
I can only see flow. His blood starting to flow
His lungs starting to grow. This one starting to show
Strong signs of life. Where's the stitches? Here's the knife.
Smack his face, his eyes open.
I reply with a nice "welcome back."
Hip hop I saved your life.


Nurse: He looks good, his vitals are up, he's looking good, he's looking good, I think we got one. Dr. Carter, I think we got one. Yup. Yeah, we got one. We saved him, he's good. He's good. We got one, he's good.

(heart beats)

Nurse: He's good. We got him. We saved him. He's a go, he's good

That third verse is exactly what makes Wayne so popular. Geese erections? Oh, he was sniffing the good stuff the day he wrote that. The stuff he comes up with is so far out in left field that you have to tip your hat solely on creativity. I certainly wouldn't say he saved hip hop's life, especially since he contributed to its death at least twice, but he certainly makes hip hop more interesting.

The verdict: Although he redeemed himself with that last verse, the first two verses make me wanna file a malpractice suit.

Would YOU go to a surgeon who kills two out of three patients?
Posted by in ,  on 7:00 AM 1 comment

1 comment:

  1. Edd, you are hilarious! But I am with you and excuse me but Hell to the Naw I wouldn't go to a surgeon with those types of odds.

    Yeah, Wayne is definitely out there. Now, I did buy the last album, I must admit because there are some songs on there--and quite a few beats--that I dig. But he is something else for sure.

    All in all, I agree with Jay-Z on D.O.A.--Death of Autotune where he tells folks, "get back to rapping, ya'll T-Paining it too much...and that means Wayne included.


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