Last year I fell for another man.
I couldn’t help myself. He’s a true Southern gentleman, strong and kind. And since he’s several years my senior, he’s also very wise. This man has experienced things I can only imagine. Oh, and did I mention he’s hot?
Don’t worry, though. Hubster and I aren’t drafting any divorce papers. While I have always had a thing for older men, this guy happens to be 167 years old, and that’s a bit much, even for me.
His name is William Compton, but if you’re a fan of the HBO original series True Blood, you know him simply as Bill, the sexy, sensitive vampire that had us at “Sookie is mine!”
Edd thinks my crush on Bill is hilarious because he considers him a poor excuse for a vampire. As True Blood fans know, Bill tries to live peacefully among humans, so he’s not the savage beast ripping folks apart for sport that you may be used to in vampire flicks. (Although if you mess with Sookie he will open up a can of whoop-ass on you.)
But this is what makes True Blood such a great show. With vampires like Bill struggling to be accepted by the living folk the series becomes a commentary on race relations and even gay rights. Sure, the metaphor is pretty in your face, but even in its lack of subtly it still works to make the show more than brain (and/or eye) candy.
That’s why I’m counting down the hours until I can see my Bill again at 9 p.m. on Sunday.
If there’s one thing you’ve probably learned about me by now is that I live for nostalgia. Those carefree days of my childhood will always be cherished.
And like any grouchy old man, boy, do I hate when people tamper with my memories.
We all grew up on scary movies, and the cinematic villains who starred in them. The Aliens, the Wolfman, Predator, Lil’ Wayne’s cousins the Gremlins all provided hours of entertainment. And perhaps no movie monster is as prominent as the vampire. I loved vampires because you knew they were gonna cause havoc – and most of the time you couldn’t kill ’em! No matter the incarnation – from Dracula, his ghetto cousin Blackula, to the old Castlevania video games back on Nintendo – vampires were no joke.
So who thought it was a good idea to turn feared creatures into whiny Abercrombie models?
I’ve watched True Blood with the wifey a few times, and yeah, overall the show is OK. But it bothers me to no end that those vampires are just prissy pretty boys. I understand that this show provides a more “realistic” take of vampire mythology but even Count Duckula would shake his head at the wimpy main character, Bill. He only does three things – stand around looking sad, run around looking sad, or have sex with that lady, while looking sad. Isn’t dude like 450 years old? Why hasn’t anyone called him out on his cradle-robbing?
The only vampire on that show who has a mean streak is a dude named Eric. Now who would be afraid of somebody named Eric? Can you think of one scary guy named Eric? Erik Estrada? Eric Benet? Eric Cartman? Playa, please. At least name him Dr. Fang or something.
And don’t even get me started on those pasty Twilight kids. They look more concerned with writing bad poetry and listening to All American Rejects than doing bad stuff.
These new vampires suck. So to speak.
I’m going to get a bowl of Count Chocula. Now that’s a real vampire for you.