The holidays are truly upon us and the Love Letters mailbag is BURSTING. Not with joy, mostly with pain.
I don’t blame y’all for all the inquiries – better weed out those bad baes now before you spend money on them. Send those Christmas coins elsewhere.
Lucky for you cheapskates, I offer my wisdom for free.
But in the meantime, hit me up for some sage love advice.
Send your inquiries to email@example.com, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname.
Here’s today’s question:
What would you say to a married couple that doesn’t follow each other on social media. Is it weird?
I’d say mind your own business. Worrying about what some other couple is doing is weird.
Nah, let me be in the Christmas spirt and put the petty away. Briefly.
I understand that social media has created a world where things aren’t “real” until we see it in its digital glory. There’s a reason why “Facebook Official” has become part of our lexicon. I mean, I know you SAY you’re pregnant, but until you post that pic of tiny shoes and balloons, are you REALLY pregnant or are you just gassy?
These are the questions that define our times.
But for those of us among us who live outside the rules of Da Innanets, there is no need for such digital validation. For instance, I know very happily married couple that is not officially “Facebook official.” If you go to their individual About pages, their statues are listed as “married,” but no one is specifically tagged.
Facebook doesn’t tell you who they’re specifically married to and, quite frankly, why would it matter? Their friends and family know, I’m sure their coworkers know – why does some stalker ex-boyfriend from seventh grade need to know the name of that spouse?
I get your point though. In this era of open information, spouses not following each other feels like they’re trying to hide their marriage or, they’re “goin through some thangs,” as the old folks say. And that COULD be the case.
Or … OR … maybe they’re just private people and don’t want folks snooping around.
Regardless, it’s none of our business.
Question No. 2:
So my boyfriend has a child who is age 3 now. His kid and the mother were living on another island, but due to COVID-19 she had to move over here and had some problems at the place she was staying. She asked to live at his place but due to the living conditions they have to share his room.
The other day, he asked me to spend the night but when I came she had to leave for that night. Early the next morning, she came knocking very loudly on the door. When my boyfriend opened it she asked if I had left yet. She then kept asking him to pass her things out of the room and started talking to him and playing around in the living room while she packed to leave again. I asked him why she did that but he just said she didn’t mean anything by it.
His birthday is coming up so I asked him if he had anything planned and that’s when he told me that his kid is flying over to be with him for his birthday. He tells me that he does not have feelings for the mother of his child but he is moving them both back here. I am confused whether or not to stay or leave. He doesn’t treat me differently but I don’t want the old feelings to come back between them and be left hurt. Do you have any advice?
Don’t mind me, I’m just over here trying to do the math and connect the dots to keep this story straight.
There’s a LOT going on.
First, let’s address babymomma, because clearly she’s the center of your frustration.
Judging by her reality-show theatrics, either she’s very threatened by your presence or just very rude by nature. Probably a little of column A and a little of column B. Unfortunately, though, if you’re planning to continue this relationship with your boyfriend she’ll always be around in some form – that super-long nose hair that just keeps creeping out no matter how many times you snatch it.
Though your beef may be with her, the answers lie with your boyfriend. Now, from what you’ve said, dude seems like a stand-up brother – treats you well, takes care of his child, puts up with his babymomma acting like a toddler herself. And while you have no right to deny him his son, he does owe you an explanation on where he truly stands with his ex. Sure, he says he doesn’t have feelings for her, but does SHE know that? I mean, if my ex was flying me all over and moving me into their house, I can see where the signals might be mixed.
You’re in a tricky spot – you need him to be real with you about where he stands with her and you also need him to set boundaries for the sake of your relationship. Not to block him from his child, of course, but it’s unfair to have ol girl kicking down your door waving the metaphorical four-four like Big Poppa all times of day and night.
Tell him you’re uncomfortable, tell him you need boundaries, and tell him to confirm that your relationship is worth respecting.
Aight one more question. I told you the mailbag was bursting at the seams:
So I’ve been talking to this guy since the beginning of quarantine. We’ve been chilling, getting to know one another, went on a little date, it’s cute. No big whoop, right?
Here go my girlfriends: “Oh, is that your boyfriend? When y’all getting together?” Mind you, I’ve only been seeing this guy less than a year. So I usually tell my friends, “He nobody’s boyfriend. We’re just chilling, I’m exploring my options. He’s not the only one on my list…” to which they reply with the sucking of the teeth: “Ugh you sound like a man. How do you do that?”
Do what?!? I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or what? Break it down for me, you’re a man.
Nah playa, it’s not a compliment.
We brothers have been saddled with the stigma of being anti-relationship, not wanting to settle down and forever obsessed with the sowing of the wild oats.
That phrase always reminded me of cereal, by the way.
Essentially, your friends are saying it sounds like you’re running game and running away from commitment JUST LIKE A DUMB OL’ MAN WOULD DO. “How do you do that” = “how can you act like THEM and get away with it?”
Doesn’t sound to me like you’re being noncommittal, just that you’re taking things slow. And that’s perfectly fine. If y’all weren’t so fast to boo up I wouldn’t have 75% of my Love Letter emails.
As long as you’re happy – and dude understands the situation and isn’t being led on – feel free to think like a man. No Steve Harvey.