Love Letters: My Boyfriend Says I’m ‘Safe.’ Is That a Bad Thing?

Wow, it’s really been over two months since I’ve dipped into the Love Letter mailbag? Two months in 2020 is like two years – that’s enough time for an alien invasion, two world wars and Alicia Keys to continue pushing her album back.

Bet you can guess which one of those actually happened.

Let’s see what strange issues y’all got going on this week. If you’d like to submit a question, here’s how:

Send your inquiries to, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

I’ve started dating a young man that has said on several occasions that what he loves about me is that I’m “safe.” Should I be insulted or flattered? Safe doesn’t sound good to me.


Man, y’all certainly don’t make this job easy. It’s impossible to definitively answer this because, frankly, I’m not a mind reader.

Coincidentally, I’m currently slogging through the FX show Legion, about a guy who is an actual mind reader. My goal is for this column to be fun, unpredictable and thought-provoking like Legion season one, not long, drawn out and boring like Legion season two.

Judge me in the comments.

But let’s stick with the positives.

I get what DJ is saying; “safe” may have negative connotations in some spaces, but it’s not automatically a bad thing. While some see “safe” as sugar-coating for “weak” or “boring” or “easy to manipulate,” it can just as easily mean “comforting” or “secure.”

Isn’t that what you want in a relationship?

It reminds me of the whole “submissive” thing in the bible. We tend to think submitting means giving up, like your man slapped you in the figure-four leglock while you scream in agony. Instead, in the context of the bible, submissive just means to honor and respect. It’s more about humility than weakness.

And that’s what I’m getting at here – context is key. And since I’m not Legion season one, I can’t read homie’s mind to say for sure. That’s a convo y’all need to have.

Simply ASK my dude what he means by safe. Perhaps after a run of bad relationships, he sees you as an oasis in the storm – calm, comforting and secure. Maybe you’re “safe” because you don’t have an armful of baggage labeled “extra large drama.” Sounds like a pretty good relationship to me.

BUT if he views “safe” as “whew, I don’t have to put ANY effort into this relationship,” then yeah, time to move on like Mya in 1998.

My instincts tells me that he views this as a compliment, not condemnation. But I can’t answer this one, only he can.


Do you think we get one great love of our lives?


I get variations of this question a lot, especially when it comes to finding “the one.” So consider this answer a way to catch ’em all like Ash Ketchum.

I know Hollywood and your grandma’s soap operas (or her “stories” as she undoubtedly calls ’em) have conditioned us to think that there is ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE GALAXY you are meant to be with, and life is just a constant search for this mystery being.

It’s like finally finding the white shark in the box of Shark Bites fruit snacks. 90s kids feel me.

Pretty sure the white ones are just cocaine.

But love isn’t like stumbling across the one prize in a cereal box. It’s a deep feeling you cultivate over time – a feeling that can be built with more than one person.


So no, I don’t think you can have 37 great loves. But more than one? It’s possible. Great love isn’t something you magically stumble across, like an extra fry in a McDonalds bag. It’s something you build over time.

And one final question, since I’m in a good mood today:

Do you believe in right person, wrong timing?


Look playa, timing is everything. If it’s the wrong time, then, sorry, it’s the wrong person. Dems the facts.


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