Love Letters: My Cousin Refuses to Leave His Loveless Marriage. Why?

How are y’all surviving this quarantine life? I sure hope your love lives are straight – being locked in the house indefinitely with someone you can’t stand might be worse than licking public toilets and getting Rona juice down your throat.

If you’ve got relationship questions, I’ve got relationship answers:

Send your inquiries to soulinstereoblog@gmail.com, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

So my cousin is in a loveless marriage. He wants out but says he’s scared to strike out and be single. He says his wife is all he knows and that he may end up with someone or something worse than what he has. Do you think you have any idea why he’s scared to make  a move for real?

JP

Quite honestly, it’s very easy for those on the outside looking into a faulty relationship to start barking orders at the wronged party, demanding that they sing the hook to Ideal’s “Get Gone”

I think I better leave (LEAVE) you alone (ALONE)
So get your bags (YEAH) and get the hell on (ON)
See, because
LUV
AIN’T
HERE
NO
MOOOOOO

doo-doo-do-do-do-do-dooooooooo

But life ain’t a 106 & Park countdown and it’s not so easy for people to walk away, especially when we’re talking about ending an institution like marriage.

Instead of wondering why your cousin won’t make a move, it’s important to understand how he arrived in this situation. Put yourself in his position – if you’ve put your all into a relationship, I’m talking years that are now seen as failure, it’s hard to muster up the energy to start completely over and potentially travel down this rode all over again with another messed-up person. My man is truly scarred.

From your description, he’s a broken man. In his eyes, there’s a lot of fear in walking away from the devil he knows to, potentially, a new devil he doesn’t know. Even though his relationship sounds worse than Teddy Riley’s Instagram audio, there is still comfort in the familiarity of his relationship.

Sadly, that familiarity also breeds contempt, which is why staying in a loveless marriage out of fear does no one any favors.

Change is hard. Just look at the world today – half y’all refuse to stay in the house and will risk sucking Rona through your lungs just because you can’t adjust to quarantine life. But change also is necessary. Hopefully JP’s cousin recognizes that. Love should not lead to misery.

I get that JP wants better for him. But he has to want better for himself, toss fear aside, and make that change.

What else y’all got today?

So a guy I’ve begun dating randomly texts me out of the blue and asks me how my day is going. Is he trying to make dumb conversation or is he legit trying to build a relationship with me?

VE

Sometimes I think the y’all forget that everything isn’t Option A or Option B. Several options can be true.

Conversations (dumb or otherwise) are the building blocks to a stronger relationship. He’s trying to stir convo to create a better bond between you.

And trust me playa, a LOT of people ’round here would kill to have someone randomly ask how they were doing today. Don’t block your blessings, he’s putting in solid work.