Love Letters: Can You Grow to Love Someone?



The best thing about November – besides fall and dope jackets and hanging with fam and Black Friday sales and Thanksgiving obesity – is that the daily #BlogLikeCrazy challenge forces me to clear out the Love Letters backlog. I’ve got a ton of questions left that might actually get answered soon!


Anyway, increase your odds by sending me your questions.

Send your inquiries to, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

Do you think you can you can grow to love someone or do you think you have to be in love with someone?


Y’all be sending in some vague questions sometimes. Let me try to put some context around this.

What I believe NJ is asking is:

In order to have a healthy relationship, do you have to be deeply in love with them first, or can grow to love them despite their faults over time?

If that’s not what you mean, NJ, my bad. Cuz I’m answering the second question!

Speaking as a brother who’s been deep into this marriage thing for over a decade, a word of advice – THINGS CHANGE.

Your body changes.

Your finances change (hopefully for the better, but the way my account is currently set up…).

The world around you will change.

And yes, the shape of your love will change too.


No not like that, you bums.

The way you love your partner in those early days will most definitely evolve over time. It’s only natural – I was probably 22 when I met my wife, I’m definitely not the same person a decade and a half later. Nor should I be.

So by its very nature, you WILL grow to love your partner because love changes as you change. Love is an ever-evolving emotion that you create and build upon over time, not some static thing you arbitrarily attach to yourself like one of those cell-phone pop socket things.

But what I think NJ is REALLY getting at is the age-old debate about giving a flawed person you’re not really feeling a shot and hoping to grow to love them in time vs sinking your claws into someone you’re already head-over-heels for.

That’s trickier – while I don’t think it’s fair to waste someone’s time if you’re not really attracted to them, sometimes people throw their blessing away just because the potential person doesn’t check all the boxes on their Perfect Mate Scorecard.

And that’s dumb.

In that case, yes, look past superficial stuff (like a guy’s hair not being curly enough or a woman being one cup size too small, or whatever it is you weirdos imagine) and look deeper into your mate and yes, you can grow to love that person. But that also goes for that boo you fell instantly in love with. If that love is not properly cultivated over time, it’s gonna wilt like some cheap grocery-store flowers.

Growing to love someone basically means building upon an already-established foundation. If the foundation is there, your love shack will be sturdy and strong. Without it, it’s just a house of cards, playa.

Next question:

So I wrote in before about my friend’s shady boyfriend. Here’s the follow up: After all that drama happened, he sent her a random text one night to apologize for his actions. She never responded to it.

Well, he just sent her a message this morning and said, “I’d like to catch up.”

What’s going on?

Friend of a Friend

What’s going on? That’s easy.


My man messed up once before so he’s out here shooting shot after shot until he lands again.

I shed no tears. Tell him to go listen to The Velvet Rope track No. 4. Jodi Mitchell never lies.


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