I know, I know, I’ve been promising a new round of Love Letters for weeks now and I’m just getting the chance to dig into the ol’ inbox.
Y’all want me to be more productive? Pay me more.
But it’s all love. Here’s how you add your question to the pile.
Send your inquiries to email@example.com, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname.
Here’s today’s question:
Do you think it’s appropriate to still be friends with an ex? For example, I would like to attend an event that an ex is having. We are strictly friends but still very cool. Should I let my significant other know?
I love that I have the type of relationship with y’all where you immediately come to your boy for answers to life’s burning questions.
In this case, though, I shouldn’t be the first person you consult. That would be your significant other.
But let a brother back up a bit.
We’ve discussed the ex’s-as-friends a time or two before in this space. And like I told y’all way back when, yes, it’s possible to be friends with your ex’s. In fact, I’m cool with a couple of my wife’s ex’s.
And before y’all start OOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOoooooo’ing like a bunch of fourth graders, look at it logically:
— Those guys have longed moved on to other healthy relationships
— They’re cool brothers I’d hang out with regardless of stuff that happened long before I even knew they existed
— I won in the end anyway.
For the record, my wife isn’t cool with any of my ex’s – not because she’s petty but because they all fell off the face of the Earth long ago.
Now watch a gang of ’em reappear and run up in my mentions like the Dora Milaje.
Anyway, back to business.
The trick to maintaining friendships with ex’s comes down to three things that are pretty hard to come by in 2018 – maturity, honesty and trust. My wife and I are mature enough not to be crippled by insecurities, we’re honest about what we’re doing and whom we’re spending time with, and we trust each other to keep our relationship the priority.
So it’s cool DK that you want to support your ex’s event. But yes, you MUST let your significant other know that you’d like to attend. And frankly, if your boo is uncomfortable with you attending, you should skip it. Hopefully, your beau will appreciate your honesty and be trusting and mature enough to understand that you just want to support an old friend. But when it comes down to it, your relationship is the priority. If your dude is uncomfortable, let it go.
Who got next? CR got next.
So recently I hit up an old boo. He has a new business and recently had a party to promote it. I saw pics on social media through mutual friends of ours. Our ending wasn’t perfect. I told him congratulations and that the pics looked nice. He just said ‘appreciate it.’ Now should I assume he was brushing me off or that he didn’t want to have a conversation due to him saying ‘appreciate it.’ Or am I reading too much into it?
Playa, I keep telling y’all, I’m more Charlie Murphy than Charles Xavier, I can’t read minds.
CR did follow up to add that this guy was in the process of getting over being dumped a month or so prior, which could explain his moodiness.
And that’s the thing – maybe he was just having a bad day, which is why he was so short with you. Maybe he IS harboring some resentment due to you popping up kinda out of nowhere after that “imperfect” ending y’all had.
Or maybe – and I don’t know why people NEVER take this into account – perhaps he was just busy. I get like 20 texts a day from random people (just ask my poor coworkers who have to endure my phone constantly buzzing like a beehive). Sometimes when I reply to texts with “thanks” or “OK” or “cool” it’s not because I HATE YOUR STINKING GUTS YOU TRASH GOBLIN, it’s just because I’m busy and can’t reply with the Gettysburg Address.
So I can’t say for sure on this one. Maybe my dude was just preoccupied, maybe he annoyed by your existence on planet Earth. Regardless, your congratulations was genuine, so rest easy knowing you did nothing wrong.