Every year it’s pretty much the same deal with the Grammys:
– A snubbed superstar decides to sit out the Grammys because the selection committee is “out of touch” with real music (despite bragging all over social media when they won a bunch of awards in previous years)
– Social media stans get up in arms because their favorite artist didn’t get 400 trophies to stuff in their luggage
– We all spend four hours dozing through bland performances to see the one or two musical tributes we know will deliver
And, well, this year is no different. So if you spent the evening watching the premier of The Walking Dead or doing your taxes or rewatching the New Edition biopic, congratulations for being more productive with your Sunday than I was. Allow me to catch you up on what went down at the 59th Annual Grammy Awards.
It’s the biggest night in music, so they tell me.
1. Adele opened the show with “Hello” in a performance that has mimicked her last few award show offerings – pristine vocals with utterly boring arrangements. And boy, did she take things to the next level later in the show. Also, whose churchhouse did she borrow that greater missionary baptist stained-glass blouse from?
— iHeartRadio (@iHeartRadio) February 13, 2017
2. James Corden pratfalled his way onto the stage to serve as host and overall, dude was pretty amusing.
friend: hows life going?
— Katie Corvino (@kTc0rvin0) February 13, 2017
Oh wait, you don’t know who James Corden is? He’s the car karaoke guy. He even brought helpful props along.
the closest james corden will get to doing carpool karaoke with beyoncé tbh djfjkdjd pic.twitter.com/9tpRh3Po1L
— mixed. (@beyonce_posts) February 13, 2017
3. Paris Jackson introduced The Weeknd and his more talented pet androids for a lethargic performance of “I Feel It Coming.” Nyquil was dripping from their pores.
— OVOXOSupply (@OVOXOSupply) February 13, 2017
A Jackson kid introducing The Weeknd – why are y’all so determined to make Weeknd the next MJ?
4. Twenty One Pilots won the Grammy for Best Pop Duo or Performance for “Stressed Out” – a song I literally never heard until tonight. And why did the Super Saiyan child strip to his draws before heading to the stage?
— Mashable (@mashable) February 13, 2017
5. Ed Sheeran performed “Shape of You” and…
Oh wait this show is still on? And Lord help us, we have three more hours to go!
6. My timeline when Tina Knowles hit the stage to introduce Beyonce’s hotly anticipated performance:
Remember when the neighborhood candy lady opened her back porch up for business on the first day of summer vacation? This was something like that.
7. Beyonce activated goddess mode for her stirring performance of “Love Drought,” which was a timely tribute to motherhood. “Your mother is a woman. And women like her cannot be contained.” Bey’s live performances are so far ahead of the pack it’s almost unfair for her to share to stage.
The GOAT pic.twitter.com/hONVuntdxY
— Stephen Dacres (@SRDtv) February 13, 2017
I mean, who is following that?
8. Blue be like: “Aye, what you sippin’ on, playboy?”
— BEYONCÉ LEGION (@Bey_Legion) February 13, 2017
9. My boy Bruno! His groovy performance of “That’s What I Like” was a show-stealer, so why are R&B elitists still thumbing their noses at him? Listen, while your favorite R&B “singer” is pretending to be a rapper, lil’ ol’ pop singer Bruno Mars is hitting high notes straight from Soul Train. Give that man his props.
10. Is that Katy Perry or Christina Applegate from 1994?
— Jan Medina (@JanMFrank) February 13, 2017
11. So about a minute into Adele’s George Michael tribute, she freaks out, STOPS THE PERFORMANCE and asks for a do-over.
Apparently something was off and she felt like Michael deserved better. I’m still not sure what specifically triggered Adele’s mini-freakout, but like her performance of “Hello,” her vocals were fine but the song’s eerie arrangements were very suspect. All the pretty notes in the world can’t salvage a poorly constructed song.
12. Oh and for those salty Rihanna stans who whined about Rih-Rih going home empty-handed and claimed Adele “can’t sing,” tell me how many hours Rihanna spends with her vocal coach?
13. Lady Gaga and Metallica teamed up to rock out – too bad homie’s mike was muted. Did CBS hire the BET Awards staff for this show? And even though I liked the performance, I swear if you look in Urban Dictionary under the phrase “doing the most,” you’ll see 400 photos of Gaga.
14. Um, Grammy People, you really think THIS is Shirley Caesar?
No, THIS is Shirley Caesar.
Get it together, people.
15. Did you SEE that abomination of a Target commercial featuring Lil Yachty, whose name translates into Waterbug Who Walks Like A Man? I hope you saw it because I’m not reposting it here. Now I’ve gotta boycott Target, thanks a lot.
16. After that human canker sore Yachty corrupted our screens, guess who swooped in to save our souls? A Tribe Called Quest, Anderson Paak and Busta Rhymes formed like Voltron to deliver a fiery rendition of “We the People.” Busta even held his breath long enough to squeeze into Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation outfit and call out “President Agent Orange.” Those presidential Twitter fingers are gonna be on fire tomorrow morning, mark my words.
17. Lesson of the night: STOP. SLEEPING. ON. BRUNO. MARS. He was practically possessed by the spirit of Prince during his performance of “Let’s Go Crazy” in easily the night’s best tribute.
Oh and who can deny The Time?
— Kishau Smith Rogers (@kishau) February 13, 2017
Morris Day is my spirit animal.
18. Chance the Rapper enlisted Tamela Mann and Kirk Franklin for a stirring performance of “How Great” and “All We Got,” proving that sometimes you have to take the gospel out of the church to make a bigger impact. I mean, isn’t that what Jesus did? But how long will it take for uppity church folks to whine about Tamela n’ dem performing with a lowly rapper? I’m sure they missed the show – they were out drinking all night anyway.
19. Adele closed the show by winning both Record and Album of the Year. And then she immediately played herself by fawning all over Beyonce and basically saying Lemonade should have won.
When Adele said to Bey, “The way you make my black friends feel…,” black America was like:
Adele just couldn’t keep her foot out of her mouth tonight, could she?
Anyway, this text from one of my dudes summed up the evening thusly:
On that note, I’m calling it a night.
20. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention:
— ATLGreekPicnic (@Atlgreekpicnic) February 13, 2017
WHY WAS CEE LO GREEN DRESSED LIKE A MUSTARD TRANSFORMER?
Well, outside of the first 90 minutes or so – which seemed to only exist to put the audience in a coma – this wasn’t a bad show. We were treated to more than a few strong performances (I didn’t even bother recapping the more forgettable ones) and thanks to Adele’s various meltdowns we were certainly left with memorable moments. And despite the Grammys’ best efforts to make this The Adele Show, the night belonged to two other people:
I’m talking Bruno and Bey, not you, Coldplay guy.