Love Letters: Why Are Black Men Offended When Black Women Date Outside Their Race?

black or white

I’m not sure what the weather’s like in your neck of the woods, but those woods look like this out here:

new_super_mario_bros_wii_3 ice world

Before you seek out a warm body for your bed, please make sure he or she isn’t an utter disappointment. Lemme help you out.

Send your inquiries to, or find me on Twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question:

Why is it that when a black woman takes on a white man or a man of another race as a boo black men flip out? For years we have seen them pass us over for white or women of other races.

Fed Up

It’s 2015 and y’all are still out here fussing about melanin levels? There are about 50-eleven more important issues – like why we still haven’t received those hoverboards and self-lacing high-tops Back to the Future Part II promised us.

shoe gif

Still dope.

But you know what’s not dope? Complaining about who someone else is dating like it’s any of your business.

I understand where the frustration lies. When black men – arguably the most stereotyped and subjugated minority group in the country – see black women dating outside their race, they, once again, feel shunned. When society is constantly telling you you’re not good enough, only to see “your women” also turn their backs on you, it’s painful.

But ladies, don’t front like you haven’t experienced that pain yourself. Fed Up says it in her letter —  “we have seen them pass us over for white or women of other races.” It’s yet another minority group that struggles with image and inferiority issues being told they’re not good enough.

Here’s what’s lost in all of this ill will, people – you have the right to date whomever you want. It shouldn’t matter if bae is Smurfette, the She-Hulk or one of those giant blue women from Avatar – as long as that person treats you with respect, love and admiration, what else do you need?

I also hate the weird sense of “duty” that is often batted around in these conversations, as if you’re somehow betraying an entire race by dating outside of it, disparaging your ancestors in the process. I’m pretty sure my ancestors would want me to be with someone who loved me unconditionally first and foremost, not which hair products they use.

Don’t get a brother wrong, I love being married to a black woman. Our cultural experiences are a strong tie, but they’re not the sole bond that keeps us together. It’s the woman herself that makes this relationship unbreakable.

Sure, race is a factor in nearly every major factor in our society, but it’s not the ONLY factor. Finding someone who loves you unconditionally is the biggest hurdle. Everything beyond that – especially other people’s irrelevant opinions – is largely irrelevant.

I’m on a roll, gimmie another question:

Is it true that you cannot control who you fall in love with, or is love only true when it’s convenient?


I never bought into that “you can’t help who you love” mentality, sorry Ledisi. Love is more than a carnal emotion – if that was the case, we’d be going around humping everything that moves.

But enough about what y’all do on Saturday night.

Love isn’t just raw emotion, it’s also a well-thought out decision. Love is more than just “ol’ girl is THICK” or “he know he can GET DIS,” it’s a feeling that draws you to the physical, mental and emotional aspects of your partner. That takes time and effort on your part. It doesn’t happen by accident. Now sure, you may fall in love with someone who doesn’t return the sentiment, but that’s another issue.

So yeah, you can most certainly control who you fall for, which is why you need to use restraint in picking the perfect partner.



  1. Are you kidding? The majority of black men could care “less” that black women choose to date white men! What the majority of black women “still” fail to either understand, or grasp is that “WE” Black men have simply stepped on the gas pedal, and MOVED ON! Black women have been saying since the sixties that …and I’m quoting here, “that WE don’t need no man”. That’s okay with us, because that was “your” position that you yourself embraced, and also advocated. Like, that old saying, “Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it! And, Black Women did! However, that backfired on BW, just like the White Women’s Feminist movement did, and white women also turned their backs on Black women too! But, they “used” you to promote, and fight for their opportunities…..the very same ones that you’re still waiting for! White men “those that choose to date Black women fast discovered that most BW that made themsaelves available to date them were for a better choice of words literally “threw” themselves at white men hoping, and thinking that that’s what white men desired, but the real truth is that they were, and are still being used by white men, and white women. And, trying to blame Black men for their usual poor life choices. But, you almost “never” hear that fact, or that reality from the mouths of black women, because Black women won’t ever admit to their “folly”.

    • Unfortunately, there are Black men that can not fight white supremacy because they have internalized it. Meaning, I’m finding a lot of Black American men hate being black and are so defeated that they simply give up and give in to the racism by being with white women who view them as animals or the big dick exp eriment. These men think life is better with them but when ever she decides lie on about being raped, she can. To be honest, these men are scared boys that are responding to white supremacy bullying, the if you can’t beat them join them mentality.

    • One word for this…ignorance!

      • Blackwomen can reject a blackman when they want to. It they date outside their race, then that means that man is the one that has to deal with paying her alimony, child support, and giving her half his stuff!! So when a blackman is rejected by a black american woman that is safety and protection for us! 80% of the 60% divorce ratio is controlled by women. Lol. Why be a fool and participate in this weak corrupt institution called american marriage and dating! Lol!!

    • lol you sound angry.

  2. Golly gee, gosh, not sure i agree.
    I’ll try to make it quick.
    I’m a white guy who dated 2 women of color, i like to refer to them by their names but whatever.
    That’s out of the tens of others over those years in my 20’s , hispanic too, and one tai girl, but again i usually think of them by name but whatever.
    I met the second in a black literature class i took at a local community college, sounded interesting, better than the usual english.
    not sure why she liked me, just a normal guy. ok girls think i’m cute. i thought she was cute too. And i liked her long purple braids and she had a great bottom. She was sexy.
    and did i mention i was cheating those 4 or 5 times we went out.
    i felt bad and had to tell her perhaps another time, because i had to fix the mess i made.
    a few years later i tried to re establish, calling her home number only to find out that she had passed in a car accident.
    She was easy to talk to and real and in the moment. And she was into me.
    It’s been many years now but i must admit i wonder what could have been.
    This is just my story, now here’s my opinion.
    Date who you want, and if your friends or family don’t like it, give them a chance anyways. Never know you may just like it.

    We did have a few funny conversations, but that’s nothing new people, all relationships have those funny, and difficult conversations. at least in my experiences, but who am i? if you like the person, i mean really like the person and not just what they look like and oh yeah, they like you too.
    Then don’t blow a chance at something wonderful or, you may be reminiscing years later too.

    i wouldn’t put color before opportunity but maybe that just me.

  3. I definitely agree with you. We’re on the same page.

  4. I couldn’t thank you enough for this. I am black and part Irish (female) and I’m currently dating a guy who’s Arabic and Italian. We get so many stares when we’re in public and mean mugs from black guys. I have dated black guys in the past and it just didn’t work out.. my current relationship is going great. I feel that race shouldn’t matter..people can date whomever tf they want to date.

7 Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. A Point-By-Point Response To BuzzFeed's Questions For Black People – AKANews – Featured Articles
  2. A Point-By-Point Response To BuzzFeed’s Questions For Black People | Pog Goblin
  3. A Point-By-Point Response To BuzzFeed’s Questions For Black People |
  4. A Point-By-Point Response To BuzzFeed’s Questions For Black People | NewsB2
  5. A Point-By-Point Response To BuzzFeed’s Questions For Black People
  6. A Point-By-Point Response To BuzzFeed’s Questions For Black People | Pog Goblin
  7. A Point-By-Point Response To BuzzFeed's Questions For Black People |

Leave a Reply to Konnie Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published.