Y’all really love Beyonce, huh?
Before the broadcast began, we knew the MTV Video Music Awards would be a one-woman show. Beyonce was set to be awarded the Video Vanguard award, meaning her performance would undoubtedly overshadow the usual parade of living Bratz dolls and spiky-haired actors named Zack Zackerton.
Here’s all that went down before Bey’s Stan Squadron got their fix:
1. The show opened with Ariana Grande sounding out of breath on “Break Free,” Jessie J doing whatever it is Jessie J does and the Walking Wax Museum Nicki Minaj impregnating the stage with an extra-raunchy performance of “Anaconda.” And wasn’t it supreme irony that after dragging her cookies all over the stage, Icki Nicki had to clutch her dress for dear life to avoid a wardrobe malfunction?
2. The Best Female Video award went to Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse.” Isn’t Juicy J going through a heck of a midlife crisis right about now?
3. #Lordeis17 trended all night. She’s about two wrinkles away from looking like Pearl from 227. And what’s up with her outfits? She looks like she’s starring in Maleficent 2: Electric Boogaloo.
4. Taylor Swift performed “Shake It Off” while the bored crowed gave respectful nods like parents at a third-grade piano recital. Are there any celebrities still dumb enough to date this woman knowing she’s gonna write a diss song about them a month later?
5. My ex-girlfriend Kim Kardashian came out to introduce the performance of “her friend” Sam Smith, AKA Male Adele. Do y’all really think she had ever heard of Sam Smith before tonight? If so, you probably think Dr. Dre’s Detox is dropping at midnight.
6. After a classy tribute to Ferguson, Mo., Common accepted the Best Hip-Hop video award for Drake’s “Hold On, We’re Going Home.” How much you wanna bet he mails Drake that moonman in pieces?
7. And why is “Hold On, We’re Going Home,” clearly an R&B song, winning a rap award?
8. Playa is it just me or does Crazy Eyes from Orange Is The New Black clean up REAL nice? The thirst is real over here.
9. Usher’s performance of “She Came To Give It To You” was solid as usual but I’m not a fan of the song. It sounds like it came from a 1991 skating rink.
You mad playa? My bad.
10. And OF COURSE Usher had to trot out Nicki for his performance. If you left Nicki in a hot car for 20 minutes, the only thing left would be a colorful puddle of eyelashes and weave. Where was Lil Kim when we needed her?
YEEESH NEVER MIND.
11. So I didn’t mention this earlier because I didn’t care but Jay Pharoah apparently hosted the event, cycling through his rapper impersonations. It’s weird because he was never really presented as “the host,” he just popped up at random times, like the uninvited uncle who shows up at every cookout with an arm full of Tupperwear for leftovers. I always support my Va brethren, but would it have killed him to do something other than his tired impersonations?
12. The winner of Best Rock Video was Grandma Lorde. Since when is “Royals” a rock song?
13. If an R&B song like “Hold On We’re Going Home” is rap and the poppy “Royals” is rock, does that make Pharrell’s “Happy” gospel?
Bodie neva lied.
14. I had no idea who those 5 Seconds of Summer children were, but didn’t they remind you of Killer Tofu from Doug?
15. So the wifey (Beyonce Stan Numbero Uno) decided to watch the series finale of True Blood instead of subjecting herself to the VMAs. Well, every 15 minutes she burst into the bedroom where I was camped to yell “IS BEYONCE PERFORMING YET?” To which I’d reply, “I DON’T HAVE THE ANSWERS SWAY!”
16. Why does Taylor Swift dance like some poor kid’s mom at a One Direction show?
17. By the time Maroon 5 performed on location under a stage that looked like McDonald’s golden arches, the BeyHive started to get restless, demanding their queen. How great would it have been for Beyonce to send in another Vine video performance like she did at the BET Awards this year? Twitter would burn to the ground.
18. So what did y’all think of Miley Cyrus’ statement during her Video of the Year win for “Wrecking Ball?” She trotted some poor guy named Jessie to the stage, who spoke about the reality of runaways and dangers of homelessness. Label me a hater, but it just rang a bit hollow. I know she meant well but leaving the guy alone on center stage (while looking so nervous that I expected him to shatter in a million pieces) just wasn’t a good idea. Good sentiment, bad execution.
Sam Smith lookin like, “Miley we don’t believe you/you need more people.”
19. FINALLY, the Stans get what they’ve been dying for – Beyonce’s performance. Wearing a onesie that she apparently purchased with Candy Crush payments, Bey ran through her entire Beyonce album in about 15 minutes.
Iggy Azalea and Icki Garbaj, that body was built by 100% Popeyes snack boxes and cornbread. Do you really think your Play-Doh and Ms. Potato Head parts can compete with that?
20. While Beyonce’s performance was undeniably great, it wasn’t the #YASSSS#FLAWLESS#SNATCHED#SLAYED masterpiece Stans yelled on Twitter. It seemed kind of lethargic at times. Still, it was far and away the highlight of the night – along with Jay Z and baby Blue Ivy joining her on stage to present the award. How long did it take them to teach Blue to clap “yay mommy” DIRECTLY INTO THE MICROPHONE? Bey might as well run for Empress of the World now, she has officially surpassed Oprah and Obama.
Clearly this show was just a two hour opening act for Beyonce. She delivered, as usual, but with R&B songs being called rap, pop songs being called rock and the endless array of butt injections, music is as embarrassing as Adam Levine’s little sister’s jacket.
The industry needs to do better.