Ah, 2013. I can’t wait to see this year in the rear view mirror of the Eddmobile.
Don’t get me wrong, we’ve enjoyed some great music and experienced some good times.
But playa, these celebrities have been out of control.
Yes, it’s that time of year again: The Third Annual Playa Please Awards, where we give props to the biggest losers. From racist Paula Deen to a Congress that spent more time bickering than actually WORKING, we’ve endured lots of SMH moments. But even those moments pale in comparison to the worst of the lot.
Let’s look back at the people and events that made you ashamed to be part of the human race.
Justin Bieber is bout that life.
The offense: Well, we knew this was coming. From Usher and Lil Bow Wow to Todd Bridges and Macaulay Culkin, all those cute little superstars wind up becoming insufferable maniacs. In 2013, the Biebs decided to live that thug life, promising to “beat the f***” out of photographers, allegedly spitting on his neighbor, and apparently leaaving his pet monkey (???) in Germany, costing him $11,000. I hope the monkey stayed true to the code of the streets and didn’t snitch. Justin’s stockpile of cherry lip gloss could be in danger.
But it’s not so bad: I mean, it’s Bieber. His body is made up of 80% hair gel. Even when he’s cursing out photographers he sounds like a drunken Care Bear – he shouldn’t be taken seriously.
R. Kelly, public menace
The offense: I’ve been defending Kellz’s questionable music for years. “Feelin’ On Yo Booty?” Simply satire. “You Remind Me Of Something?” Lame metaphor but a sonically superior song. “I’m A Flirt?” Tongue-in-cheek fun. But NONE of you should be defending the Pied Piper of R&Pee’s new album, Black Pampers. It’s easily one of the worst pieces of garbage I’ve ever had the (dis)pleasure of reviewing. Fans keep telling me “this is an album for the strip club!” Yeah, but these lazy after-hour anthems won’t do anything but put strippers to sleep.
And that ain’t all. During his promotional tour, Arruh shared this gem:
“I only feel sorry for weak people,” he says. “And mostly what I’ve come to find is that the weak people are the ones that are the haters. The ones that’s talking about Chris Brown, or R Kelly, or anybody that’s successful? I feel sorry for them, not Chris Brown, because he’s obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he’s done. He got knocked down a little bit and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me. That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me.”
Chris Brown embodies the perseverance of MLK, Ali and JESUS? Why not throw Gandhi and Optimus Prime in there too? Kelly tried to clean it up that statement later but it’s too late, he opened his mouth and can’t retract the ocean of stupidity that flowed out.
But it’s not so bad: I feel sorry for Kellz for attempting to make his mid-life crisis into an art form. Plus, there are much more pressing concerns, specifically the recent Village Voice article that details the litany of sexual abuse allegations made against him. This guy needs help and we can start by putting our little girls first and ignoring the audio sewage he calls music.
Chris Brown, Knockout King
The offense: It wouldn’t be the Playa Please Awards without an appearance by my sorta-cousin-through-marriage Chris Breezy. Here’s some of this year’s greatest hits (literally)
– Got caught ditching his community service
– Allegedly participated in a hit-and-run
– Got in a fight at a club when he tried to take a picture with two girls and some guys jumped in. Cousin Chris allegedly said, “I’m not into this gay s***, I’m into boxing,” and he and his bodyguard beat the crap out of one of the guys
– Entered rehab but got kicked out after smashing his mom’s car window.
But it’s not so bad: FINALLY Cousin Chris may have to atone for his actions. He has a hearing next year that could land him some jail time and, honestly, it would be the best thing for him. If you or I were half this reckless, we would have been strapped in an electric chair years ago. Maybe lockdown will finally force dude to realize that he’s not above the law.
Of course, Cousin Chris could behead President Obama on live TV but as long as he Instagrams nude selfies and releases mediocre songs Team Breezy will defend their boy and say “Obama probably deserved it.” Ugh.
Where are Terio’s parents!?
The offense: 2013 saw the emergence of Vine, and along with that, a few viral video sensations were created. None are more loathsome than young Terio, a 3-foot-tall Rick Rawse who “entertained” audiences with his foul mouth and terrible dancing. I can’t think of anything funnier than the spawn of Ursula the Sea Witch cussing and jiggling on camera. America, we need to do better.
But it’s not so bad: How old is Terio? He looks to be about 10 but I’m sure he has the cholesterol of a 70 year old. But the fact remains – he’s a kid. What poor excuse for a parent would profit off of their own kid’s coonery? America is not laughing with your kid, they’re laughing at him. I’ll target my rage at his parents and let Mr. Ooh Kill ‘Em continue to set black folks back 50 years.
And speaking of setting us back…
Julianne Hough stars in the minstrel show
The offense: The wifey and I are big fans of “Orange Is The New Black” on Netflix. I guess that’s also true for Julianne Hough, who decided to dress as one of the characters IN BLACKFACE. I’ll be honest, I still I have no idea who Julianne Hough is but lord knows she should know better.
But it’s not so bad: Actually this one IS bad. Who thinks it’s OK to paint themselves black in 20-freaking-13? Let ol’ girl spend the night in that outfit in our local correctional facility. They’ll be no shuckin’ and jivin’ that evening.
Yeezus, the hip-hop antichrist.
The offense: I’m not all that mad at Kanye West for his blasphemous album and his bizarre tour. The album actually isn’t bad. I’m not mad at Ye for naming his child North West (Airlines). At least he didn’t name her Soul Plane. But I am mad at the man’s constant, CONSTANT excuses. Whether he’s fussing at talk show hosts or ranting at a concert, he’s ALWAYS the victim and we’re treated to a soliloquy about how he’s a slave fighting an oppressive industry. This is the same guy who is profiting off of horrible looking tennis shoes sold that for THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. Sounds more like Massa than the oppressed farm hand to me.
But it’s not so bad: Ye’s mouth got him dissed by Jimmy Kimmel, Justin Timberlake, Charlamagne Tha God and Sway on the radio. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Ye acts like a spoiled child half the time; he deserves an occasional verbal spanking to keep him in line. If he can’t take it, he shouldn’t dish it out.
This year was filled with lowlights but here’s the lowest of the low.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner (or loser) of the 2013 Playa Please Award:
Miley Cyrus rules the world. And it’s all your fault.
The offense: “Edd, what does ‘twerking’ mean?”
Do you realize how many times I had to explain twerking this year? And it’s all because of Hannah Montana, who decided to be “controversial” by degrading herself at the MTV Awards. First rule of twerking, Miley: if your butt is as flat as a mid-term exam you’re not twerking. You’re just rocking back and forth like an hyperactive baby.
Why it IS so bad: Not only do I blame Miley for this lame publicity stunt, I blame America for buying into it. Her immature album debuted at No. 1 and three months later I still have to go around explaining twerking to my elders. She was *THISCLOSE* to becoming named Time’s Person of the Year! And the most dangerous thing of all is that twerking has become mainstream, meaning it’s much more likely that your young daughter or sister will think it’s totally normal to post videos of herself dancing in her draws.
Miley and her army of twerkers can take these two words to heart:
Props to Charles Clark for this years trophy, the Triforce of Triflin’.
Who did we miss? Share your losers in the comments.