Let’s be real, people – the only reason to watch BET’s pitiful rap knockoff of its trademark BET Awards show (which is a pitiful knockoff of MTV’s VMAs, which in turn is a pitiful knockoff of the Grammys) is to check out the BET Cyphers. I reviewed the cyphers here – go read them. I don’t write these things for my health.
For those of you who were wise enough to not suffer through the main show, hosted by Snoop Lion-O, Lord of the ThunderCats, I’ve got the recap below.
Trust me, you didn’t miss much.
1. Snoop opened the show with an “Inside The Rappers’ Studio” skit and sprinkled more “hilarity” throughout the two-hour program. And by “hilarity” I mean “agony.” If they wanted a comedian on the show, why didn’t they just hire a, you know, comedian?
2. A$AP Rocky’s “F***in Problems” won the “Perfect Combo” award. Did A$AP and Drake bother to show up to accept their prestigious award? Of course not. Kendrick Lamar and 2 Chainz accepted on their behalf. Tew Chainz couldn’t decide if he wanted to dress like Ice Cube or Michelle Obama so he split the difference.
3. Why was everything on Meek Mill three sizes too small? Smedium jacket, smedium pants, smedium chains – he looks like he was wearing Wii remotes around his neck.
4. So y’all really like 2 Chainz’s “hit ’em with the fork,” huh? This may be the moment I’m officially too old for hip hop – I have no idea what he’s talking about. And ironically 2 Chainz is old enough to be my dad.
5. By the way, nightgowns and skinny jeans? Is that what’s hot in the streets?
6. Speaking of hot, when the wifey heard Hot Boy Mannie Fresh during 2 Chainz’s performance, she RAN out of the kitchen. Too bad Juvenile’s set was so sluggish. How much you wanna bet Drake will look like Juve in about 15 years?
7. A$AP Ferg won the Rookie of the Year award. Did Ferg bother to show up to accept his prestigious award? Of course not.
8. Poor Future. Doesn’t he remind you of the tone death choir lady who everyone pretends can sing when we all know the sad truth? Bless his heart.
9. How many velour brontosauruses were slain to make Rick Rawse’s tracksuit?
10. Didn’t you kinda feel bad for Schoolboy Q? His “Collard Greens” performance wasn’t bad but he was like the lame local artist everyone tolerates at the concert until the headliner shows up. Clap politely, then forget the guy’s name.
11. Was I the only one slightly disappointed in Kendrick’s performance of “Money Trees?” The set had the energy of snails on lean. Maybe it’s because the performance wasn’t live and BET’s bad editing sapped the energy, maybe the crowd was just aching for more of Tew Chaynz and his fork, I’m not sure. But something definitely was off here.
12. Drake won the People’s Champ award. Did Aubrey bother showing up to receive his prestigious award? Of course not.
13. French Onion Soup Montana blessed us with “Ain’t Worrying About Nothin.” The wifey’s question: “Is this a real song?” It broke my heart to tell her that it wasn’t another lame Snoop Dogg sketch.
14. The highlight of French Salad Dressing Montana’s set? Diddy strutting around in a Burger King crown. We need to do better.
15. Eve came out to honor rap pioneer MC Lyte for years of providing voiceovers at BET Awards shows. Who remembers that Eve dropped an album this year? If you forgot, I can’t blame you.
16. Quote of the night from Queen Latifah on MC Lyte’s rapping style: “And she sounded intelligent!” Remember when that was a requirement?
17. Lyte read her award acceptance from a stack of church bulletins. No wonder BET edited it down. She’s probably STILL thanking people and the show was recorded last month! Want the gist of her speech?
Rappers, stop acting like coons.
18. This one is for my Birmingham readers: Did you notice that every time BET tried to air the ad for Black Girls Rock, they interrupted it with the most ghetto and stereotypical commercials possible? I still don’t know when Black Girls Rock airs, but I can tell you where to get some nice weave and who to call if someone hits your car.
19. Who allowed Rich Homie Quan to get famous!? He’s running around calling himself Mr. CEO. He’s lucky if they let him close out the register at Subway.
20. The show ended with Bone Thugs, minus the Harmony. They sounded like four Eddie Kanes out there. But even I couldn’t hate, it was a fun trip down Tha Crossroads. And guess what? They still miss Uncle Charles, y’all.
If you ever wanted to see an awards show where NO ONE showed up to get their awards we got a bunch of boring performances instead, this was the best two hours of your life.
For the rest of us, at least we had the BET Cyphers. Read my review of all the cyphers here.