Is Drake the New Keith Sweat? Playa Please

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I’m doing my best to wrap up a long, exhausting two weeks, and here y’all go raising my blood pressure.

Your favorite rapper, Drake, has a new song with Big Sean and 2 Chainz.

Spoiler alert – it’s god awful, if you couldn’t already tell that from the star-studded lineup. But listen to the blasphemy that dribbles from Drake’s Burt’s Bees-soaked lips at the 2:35 minute mark:

“I’m the light-skinned Keith Sweat…”

Stop playing Aubrey. STOP PLAYING.

I’ve patiently put up with Drake’s antics for years. When he dropped that overrated So Far Gone mixtape and y’all claimed it was the second coming of Illmatic, I shrugged and let y’all live the fantasy. I’m many things, but I’m not a dream crusher.

When he started claiming he was “catching bodies” like a cold-blooded murder – while dressed like Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World- I just let it slide.

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Then when he got into that catfight with my illegitimate Cousin Chris Brown I just ignored it. Blood is thicker than water, but I didn’t even come to the aid of my wayward family member. Mainly because I don’t wanna claim him, but whatever.

But this time, nah, playa, the line has been CROSSED. Drake declaring that he’s anywhere NEAR Keith Sweat’s league has to violate the Geneva Convention, Robert’s Rules of Order and the 10 Crack Commandments.

Comparing Keith and Drake is like comparing President Obama standing on the White House lawn to white, dried up dog doo-doo in the park. The only thing they have in common is the grass underneath them.

Keith makes babies. Drake makes babymommas.

Keith sat on Mount Olympus with these R&B titans.

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Drake plays in the sandbox with Bebe’s Kids.

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Keith made “I Want Her.” “Make It Last Forever.” “Twisted.” “Nobody.”

Drake made doctors happy when he broke his knees like a half dozen times. 

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Keith dresses like royalty.

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Drake dresses like he played basketball with Fresh Prince in 1991.

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Well, I guess there’s one thing they have in common: In his new song, Drake brags about having sex with a girl he used to babysit (years later, of course). And we all know Keith likes them young and ready.

Drake can talk all he wants, he’s not even in the same solar system as Keith Sweat. But I’m sure you knew that. Drake still sits at the kid’s table during Thanksgiving dinner and I’m pretty sure his hair is made of cotton candy. He shouldn’t be taken seriously.
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Drake needs to do better.

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3 Comments

  1. Ed…Ed..Ed…you have some serious issues but I love you all the same brother. While I completely agree that “The Magician” (cause he waves his fingers and hands around when he sings) is by no means on the same level as Keith Sweat, I’m still amazed by the amount of love you can summon and the size of shield you produce when defending the famous whine of R&B “eewwwww bay-bay!”. “Stood on top of Mt Olympus”?! You are a damn fool! lol. Keep up the fight!

  2. I mean… we all know Drake sucks but your love for Keith Sweat….. on another level

  3. Oh, sweet Jesus, I enjoyed this one. Would you list those 10 alternate commandments? Ha. Too good. I’m glad Drake said what he did. If it hadn’t stirred you up, we never would have gotten this gem. To quote Mr. Sweat himself, that was a “merry go round,” playa.

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