Lucky us, it’s award show season!
Look playas, I’ll level with you. there’s only one reason I burned away four hours of my life to watch this thing:
The triumphant return of lil’ Justin Timberlake. Other stuff happened too. I guess.
1. The show opened with Taylor Swift doing her usual shtick of complaining about her e- boyfriend, this time using Alice In Wonderland as a backdrop. You know who Taylor reminds me of? Those girls who brag about dumping their no-good boyfriends yet secretly take them back and THEN complain about how horrible men are. I expect her to be on the Maury show giving her men lie detector tests any day now.
2. Host LL Cool J welcomed us with a looooooong, rambling monologue. With his white suit and long-winded sermon, didn’t it feel like Easter Sunday?
LL Lip-Lick Counter: 14
3. Did you see Drake nearly jump out of his draws when he saw Jennifer Lopez’s dress? I couldn’t tell if he was turned on or jealous that he didn’t wear it first.
4. Are you sure the lead singer of Fun. isn’t Ellen DeGeneres?
5. Miguel’s abbreviated performance of “Adorn” was quite disappointing. And who invited Wiz Khalifa? His suit looked like a magic eye puzzle. He makes me want to adjust the tracking on my TV.
6. And speaking of Wiz, is Amber Rose EVER gonna give birth? She’s been pregnant since 2006! I’m pretty sure their child should be in the eighth grade.
LL Lip-Lick Counter: 19
7. What was up with Johnny Depp’s complexion? He looked as orange as the guy on the Texas Pete hot sauce bottle.
8. Those children from Fun. won the Grammy for Best Song with “We Are Young.” Why didn’t they thank Janelle Monae for her help? They didn’t shout her out at all. She showed up dressed like a matador for nothing.
9. And then it was time for the man of the hour to show us how it’s done: Justin Timberlake performed “Suit & Tie” in a sepia-soaked performance that conjured images of the Rat Pack. He also performed his new track, “Pusher Love Girl,” which is even BETTER than “Suit & Tie.” Performance of the night? You better believe it.
By the way, Justin, imma let you finish but I’ve been on my Suit & Tie ish for years.
Just so you know.
10. Nas and Kelly Rowland, who seemed to have lost 70 percent of her dress backstage, introduced the new “urban contemporary” category. Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange picked up the win.
Wife: So, is “urban contemporary” code for “hood R&B?”
Me: Looks like it.
11. Doesn’t Tyler, The Creator look like an adult Curious George?
LL Lip-Lick Counter: 20
12. Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys teamed up and didn’t sound half bad. But didn’t it look like Alicia was wearing the missing scraps from Kelly Rowland’s dress?
LL Lip-Lick Counter: 23
13. Nas’ “Cherry Wine” was ROBBED as Jay-Z, Kanye West (who was thankfully absent), Frank Ocean and, ugh, The-Dream won Best Rap/Sung Collaboration for “No Church In The Wild.” The-Dream, rambling about nothing and looking like his breath reeked of Funyuns and Mike’s Hard Lemonade, was thankfully shut down by Jay himself:
“I’d like to thank the swap meet for his hat.”
RIP The-Dream, (1977-2013)
I wonder what Ye thought of that diss? Eh, who cares.
14. The Bob Marley tribute, featuring Bruno Mars, Rihanna, Sting, Ziggy and Damien Marley, was extremely energetic, despite the fact that they only sang one real Marley song. And did you peep Wiz as he spelled out to Amber who was performing on stage at the moment? Please take that woman to lamaze class.
LL Lip-Lick Counter: 25
15. Fun. won Best New Artist. I guess the secret to Grammy success this year is ill-fitting clothes. Can someone please keep these dudes from buying suits out of Walmart’s boys department?
16. Wanna bet that Carrie Underwood’s magical wedding dress lands her a contract David’s Bridal?
17. Prince came on stage wearing my grandma’s hoodie, said approximately five words and my timeline MELTED IN ECSTASY. As usual, Prince just looked bored, like he was annoyed that we were interrupting his daily scowling time. But what did you expect, a song or something?
18. Elton John was joined by Mumford & Sons, Zac Brown, Brittney Howard of Alabama Shakes and Mavis Staples to pay tribute to Levon Helm. I’ll be honest, people, I’m not as young and spry as I look and I was fading fast by the time Elton creaked on stage. But Mavis’ wailings woke me out of my slumber. Didn’t it sound like she was hitting those never-ending Baptist Women’s Day notes at the end there?
19. Why were y’all so shocked that Frank Ocean decided to perform “Forrest Gump?” Of course Ocean, hip-hop’s first (somewhat) openly bisexual artist, would sing the track dedicated to another man. Too bad he did it in the most boring way imaginable. It wasn’t nearly as horrible as some folks claimed but it only lulled me back to sleep.
20. LL ended the show with a tribute to MCA of The Beastie Boys that included Chuck D and Travis Barker. They meant well but at this point the show was WAY past its expiration date and everyone was pretty much over it. And why did the network start running ads over the end of the performance? They seemed ready to go home too.
Final Lip-Lick Counter: 27 licks, give or take about 200 licks
All in all, it wasn’t a bad show. Most of the performances were tolerable and foolishness was either kept to a minimum or completely shut down. The-Dream will never be able to show his face again. Thank you, Jay-Z.
Just wake me when JT releases his new record next month. I NEED THAT ALBUM IN MY LIFE.