Love Letters: Hook Up or Set Up?

We hope everyone enjoyed Valentine’s Day last week. But judging by my inbox on February 15, some of those Valentine’s roses were mighty thorny. It’s all good, we’re here to help you prune.

Send your inquiries to, or find me on twitter @etbowser. Just provide your initials, or a fun nickname. 

Here’s today’s question: 

When people always try to hook you up with someone does that mean people think highly of you as a person or do they think you suck at finding your own mate?


On the surface, getting set up on a date seems like a win-win. You have a person you trust connecting you with someone they know you’ll like. But personally it NEVER EVER worked.

Some of the weirdest, lamest dates I’ve ever had were set up by close friends. From a woman who was basically a mute to a girl who spent the ENTIRE night talking about her no-good babydaddy, these things never worked. One woman even woke me up at 4 a.m. for a booty call. You wanna really get on my bad side? Disturb my sleep. The fact that the woman looked like Grimace was of no consequence.

Image via

So yeah, I’m not a fan of hook-ups. But just because a friend offers to set you up doesn’t mean they think you’re incapable of attracting people. In their minds, they simply see you as a great guy who would be a perfect match for another friend, or vice versa.

Here’s the problem – those friends often look at things from a friendship perspective, not a relationship perspective. There are a lot of factors that go into romantic relationships that often aren’t visible from the friendship realm. Things like commitment, dedication, romantic compatibility, RESPECTING FOLKS’ SLEEPING SCHEDULE (ahem) can only be effectively judged by the dating parties, not outside folks. And those factors usually are only properly judged after spending a considerate amount of time together (which is yet another reason y’all need to stop moving in with your “boo thangs” so quickly, but I digress).

I doubt your friend thinks you’re incapable of making the right romantic decisions. Sure, there are plenty of folks out there who just wanna mettle in your affairs, but you’d probably recognize and ignore their advice easily. The others are honestly just trying to help. But before you hook up with Grimace n’ dem, remember that mutual friends usually can only speak from the Friendship Zone. Only you know who is truly compatible for you.



  1. never could stand for people to play matchmaker.

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