I won't even bother asking if y'all watched MTV's Video Music Awards last night. 90 percent of you were watching the finale of True Blood on HBO. But not to be outdone, MTV had its share of sucking and depravity as well. Here are 20 things that crossed my mind while spending two hours pretending that I was a teenager.
1. I was feeling Eminem's opening number until Rihanna literally brought it to a screeching halt. The second she started wailing every dog on my block started howling. And did she think dressing like Strawberry Shortcake was a good idea?
2. Did you know that last night was the first time since 1994 that a woman hosted the VMAs? I know The Chelsea Lately Lady was horribly crass but I thought she was hilarious. Rick Ross chauffeuring her on a Hoveround was classic.
3. Do people still think that Jackass stuff is funny? Ha ha, we knocked a guy on the ground. In 3-D! Ha ha.
4. Was it just me, or was there a guy on the front row dressed like Noob Saibot from Mortal Kombat? I know I didn't imagine this.
5. Why are y'all still hating on Justin Bieber? He was lip-synching harder than Milli Vanilli at a puppet show but even a grump like myself thinks he's entertaining.
6. Wait, wait, wait - Ke$ha isn't pronounced "key-sha?" I've been saying it wrong all this time. Well, I just feel foolish.
7. Yeah, he put on a pretty light show, but isn't it funny that the so-called king of R&B Usher has to steal Taio Cruz and Jason Derulo's pop stuff to stay relevant?
8. Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj - I wonder who has the most fake body parts?
9. That Florence lady reminds me of Shakira. Don't they both sound like they're constantly yodeling?
10. Poor Ciara. Has her career deteriorated so much that she is required, in EVERY song, to shake her behind around parked cars?
11. I'm confused - was Taylor Swift's song an emo diss to Kanye or was she accepting his many apologies? The clip of last year's fiasco, the line about "32 is still young enough to grow up" - maybe it was a little of both.
12. Was anyone else holding their breath as Drake was walking down those stairs? The dude breaks an ankle getting up off the couch. He's hip hop's Mr. Glass. Still, his set was, surprisingly, my favorite of the night. Mary J. Blige absolutely stole the show.
13. And speaking of that performance, why does Swizz Beatz always look like he's wearing those glasses with the fake nose?
The Humpy Dance/is your chance/to do The Hump...
14. Hey, how are the werewolf guy and the vampire queen lady from True Blood on MTV AND HBO at the same time? Must be some of that fairy magic.
15. WHY do people like The Situation? The man is a living oil slick.
16. Were you surprised that B.o.B. was AGAIN upstaged by his collaborators?
17. Who else is willing to bet that Justin Bieber is still roaming around lost on stage?
18. Who was that guy who came out in the Cher costume? Oh wait...
19. Why oh why did I expect Kanye West to deliver a phenomenal song to end the show? All we got was some leftover 808s & Heartbreak garbage. The auto-tune was so distorted that you couldn't hear him.
20. But who would have ever guessed that my boy Pusha T from Clipse would get to close out an awards show? I have to thank Kanye for that. And I'd be even more grateful if Kanye stopped dressing like those lonely old men who stalk girls at the club. Button that shirt up!
Well, I thought Chelsea Lately Lady was fun, in a totally inappropriate way. And I saw Pusha T. That's as good as MTV gets for me these days.
What did you think of the VMAs?