Single Black Female

Everybody’s talking about the single black female. 


The questions of why so many black women have never been married has long been the subject of articles in magazines like Essence and Ebony, but lately even mainstream media have jumped on the bandwagon. 


Statistics show that 42 percent of U.S. black women have never been married, which is twice the number of white women who haven’t been hitched. 


A recent ABC News story examined why this is the case. For starters, the story states, if a black woman has hopes of marrying a black man, the odds are against her since there are 1.8 million more black women than black men. Furthermore, if you take take 100 black men and eliminate those without a high school diploma (21 percent), the unemployed (17 percent) and those ages 25-34 who are incarcerated (8 percent); you have only half of black men, 54 percent, whom many black women find acceptable.


Comedian Steve Harvey, a self-proclaimed expert on men, weighed in and suggested that perhaps black women have unrealistic standards or expectations. And one woman interviewed for the story added that black women willing to date outside of their race are still at a disadvantage because dating black women is still taboo. We’re not as coveted as black men in society, she said, and non-black men aren’t ready to take us home to see momma.


Frankly, I’m tired of reading these stories. Some of them paint black women as desperate, when I would argue that is certainly not the case for most, others perpetuate the idea that black men are no good, and all of these stories imply that snagging a man should be a woman’s ultimate goal, that she simply can’t find happiness until he puts a ring on it. 


I’m sure you thinking, “Um, but you have a husband,” and honestly I’ve refrained from writing about this topic because a part of me feels it’s not my place to speak on the subject since I am married. But because I’ve tied the knot I believe this gives me a more well-rounded perspective on the matter. Yes, I am married. I love having a partner in life and I absolutely adore my husband. Edd adds much to my life, but my life was happy and full long before my walk down the aisle. And if he leaves me for Kim Kardashian tomorrow I won’t suddenly become half of who I am. I will still be a Hello Kitty-loving, essay-writing feminist fashionista eating brunch, Mexican food and pizza with her best friends whenever she gets the chance. 


Nonetheless, it would be obtuse and insensitive of me to deny that finding a husband is a huge concern for many of my sisters. To ignore this would make me a bad feminist. So even though I think this topic is worn, I am interested in the upcoming book Bitch Is the New Black, a memoir by Helena Andrews, and the Shonda Rimes-produced film based on the book that’s in the works.


Andrews was profiled in The Washington Post last month and in the article her book was described as “a satirical look at successful young black women living in Washington.” It offers a collection of essays which delve into the lives of young black women who have the looks, the Ivy League degrees, the high-paying jobs, the Carrie Bradshaw wardrobes and the coveted condos, but are still lonely. 


Though the article on Andrews was well-written, it didn’t really break new ground on the subject of the single black female, at least not for those of us who’ve read this story dozens of times already in black magazines. But I was happy to hear in the video that accompanied the story (posted below) that Andrews, and perhaps other women in the book, questions the idea that young professional women should all be in search of an MRS to go with their PhD. 


Even if the book disappoints, I have high hopes the film will not. I’m confident that Rhimes, the mastermind behind Grey’s Anatomy, will use her brilliance to present this topic in a fresh and enlightening way, at least that’s what I’m banking on when I shell out nine bucks for it.




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7 Comments

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I am also sick of this subject. I don’t really get why it even matters. So most black women have never been married. What’s the big deal?! I am single and I do believe in marriage but I prefer to stay single for my own personal reasons. And maybe a lot of other black women do also. There are just too many more important things n this world than worrying about statistics such as this one. All it does is stir up issues in the black community and cause issues between the black man and black woman.

  3. As the occasional “single-life” contributor, I purposely have not commented on this issue. I’m tired of hearing it, reading about it, etc. A friend of mine (single black male) posted the startling statistic on FB, trying to get some attention (or a date, lol).

    I’m a black, successful, single woman. I’m not a statistic, I’m a child of God. When He’s ready to send my husband, He’ll do so. In the mean time, I’m enjoying my life, my friends, my hobbies, my writing, my career, my traveling, and service to my community. I’m not settling for anyone that doesn’t meet my requirements. They aren’t superficial, but they are well thought out and complement my needs and my life goals.

    My message to those single brothers who take advantage of the “surplus”–Resolve to step up, and act like a man in 2010.

  4. Ok so here is where I stand. I want to be married. I am an educated, beautiful, single mom who is single not by choice. I am sick of the conversation and the stats, but that is because I choose not to be depressed and reminded of the situation that Black women face. I am waiting on the right man to come into my life who is ready to be a man, a husband, a father, and a provider of all the earthly things that I need. I heard a comment that may sound superficial, but it is true these days about relationships: be with someone who has just as much to lose as you do, if not more. A very important person told me when I was 16 that I needed to stop worry ing about guys, and just focus on me, and a good guy would come later. I should have listened to her (she gives great advice DAILY at http://www.georgiamae.com) because now God is making me wait. Its a stat! There are stats for everything. People don’t get rich off of stats; they get rich off of how we react to them. If it’s in God’s will those who will be married will be married! And those who are not to be married will just live their life doing his bidding with great friends and family to support them!

  5. This is definitely a popular topic and as a “single black female” who is interested in being married one day, I am concerned. Many people put a stereotypical message that black women have “high-expectations” or have an “attitude-problem” or “can’t be submissive” or are “too independent.” My own uncle had a “talk” with me during Thanksgiving stating, “Kandis, I know you’re independent but it’s ok to have a man.” I told him to do want to be married and just because I am successful (ie, career, house, car, etc.) doesn’t mean that I don’t “need” a man. I know my role and I am ready to fulfill it. I can be submissive TO A GOD-FEARING MAN WHO TRULY LOVES AND RESPECTS ME. I just won’t settle! Settling would be like I have lost faith in God that He will supply the desires of my heart.

    Now, don’t get me wrong. I agree SOME black women have attitude issues or feel like they don’t need a man, but what about the women who are just waiting for God to fulfill that desire according to His will? I do believe there are good men out there, I just feel that timing is everything….God’s timing that is. So in the meantime, I will continue advancing in my career, paying my mortgage and car note, and most importantly, serving God.

  6. I just don’t even know where to start on this one. Jai, you and I have had some convos about this so you know how I feel.

    I agree with what Karie said. I do desire to be married and I trust that in due time I will be. But am I single b/c I have a nasty attitude or am a bitch? Nope, not at all. And I have heard it all…you’re intimidating…I don’t know if I can measure up. Someone else’s insecurities are not my problem. So in the meantime until God sends me that special person (like Karie stated previously), I will continue to live and enjoy my life in a positive and fulfilling manner.

    I think that too many people settle and that is what I refuse to do. That and the fact that I truly believe that when you marry, you marry for life, are the two reasons I am not yet married…along with the fact that God hasn’t sent me that guy yet. We all go through periods of loneliness and the desire for that companionship, including myself. But if we take the time to focus on ourselves and LOVE ourselves first, then we will be more prepared when that person comes in to our lives.

    I’m truly tired of people talking about this issue as though it needs to be a mandate of the President’s agenda. I wish they would give it a rest already. There are some people who are single by choice and I think they have that right. I just do like T.I. and Rhianna say and just Live My (Your) Life and trust that it will all work out in the end.

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