Edd’s MANtra: Edd v. Stella

You know, I’ve always had great admiration for the trials women face on a daily basis, especially when those trials are made worse by my species.

And I’ve noticed that my species often makes the gym a den of iniquity.

I kid you not, when a woman walks by 90 percent of men at my gym, they stop whatever they’re doing to follow her with their eyeballs. And I’m not talking about one of those quick glances. I’ve seen dudes in mid-conversation stop talking to watch a woman walk by, then resume the conversation when she’s out of eyesight. It’s like their brains shut off.

I always say to myself, “how horrible that these women must endure such lustful behavior! She’s a PERSON, for goodness sakes!”

If it sounds like I’m sucking up, it’s cuz I am. I need some help from you ladies out there because I now share your pain.

See…there’s this older lady at the gym who has been stalking me. And I think she wants my body!

I know what you haters are saying: “Playa, she don’t want you!” Oh, I wish I was wrong.

Here’s how it usually goes: I’ll be using a machine, minding my own business, usually listening to some classic Keith Sweat on the iPod, when I just FEEL the presence of someone looking at me. Then I spot her – a blonde, roughly in her mid-50s, with orange skin, looking like a shriveled-up Hulk Hogan. And she’s looking directly at me.

At first, I thought maybe she was daydreaming. But oh no.

Those eyes burn with desire.

Usually, she’s about 20 feet away from me, but once, she came over for a closer look! She came to a machine adjacent to one I was using but didn’t get on it – she just leaned against it and watched your boy do his thing. It’s like I could hear the softcore porn music in the background. And a few days ago, when she crept up on me I was so shook that I ran off squealing like LL Cool J in that Old Spice commercial.

So how do I convince Stella not to get her groove back? It’s not like she’s grabbed my butt (yet) so I don’t feel the need to be vicious.

I’ve blatantly displayed my wedding ring many times but that hasn’t helped. Some people have suggested that I make small talk with her, but I think that’ll encourage her to convince me to accompany her for a romp on the Mayflower.

And before you ask, yes, I’ve talked to the wifey about this. She’s seen Ms. Cougar in action and she thinks the situation is totally hilarious. Bet she wouldn’t think it was so funny if it was Kim Kardashian who was eyeing my sweaty workout pants.

What do you ladies do to fend off unwanted attention?

6 Comments

  1. Oh, Ed…this is hilarious! You describe it so vividly, I can almost visualize it.

    Sometimes, when subtle hints don’t work, you just have to be blunt.

    Stare right back at her and tell say something along the lines of, “Excuse me Ma’m (to stress her age), but can you stop eyeballing me all the damn time. It’s not going to happen and you are making me uncomfortable as hell.”

    If you’re too polite to do that, have Javacia meet you at the gym and be extra affectionate. Once the lady gets a peek at Jai’s biceps, she might not want to risk her rage!

    LOL You must post an update.

  2. LOL! hilarious!

    i recently had a guy at my gym to actually leave a note on my car like some 3rd grader after staring me down for over an hour.

    i would suguest you talk to her and act like you are completely insane or something do or say something that would totally disgust her.

    i scared my gym guy off by talking about church. LOL! that usually works for me. but i think it may have the opposite affect on a woman so talk about something crazy about how you smoke crack after your workouts or something.

  3. Darhi – During the first encounter with the woman, she clearly saw me with Jai but that hasn’t stopped her.

    Merch – I am not telling that lady I smoke crack. She wouldn’t believe me anyway. How many crackheads do you know who go to the gym?

  4. how long has this been going on edd? to take the completely passive approach, maybe you could just avoid her. go to the gym at a different time. the weather IS getting nicer.

    or, maybe jai could confront her. i like that idea too.

    laura

  5. Edd, play, playa! You know I am over here howling becaise this is so hilarious! Whoo wheeee!

    Personally, I like Darhiana’s suggestions. You can try subtlety once or twice more and if that doesn’t work, the just ask her if she lost something. If she responds with “yeah she did and it’s you”, then you can tell her, “you know, that’s the same things my WIFE says to me when she hasn’t seen me all day.”

    You could always start talking to yourself…that always scares folks off!

    Please keep us posted!

  6. I agree: this is hilarious.

    I know it isn’t your style, but you could pick your nose and wipe it on the elliptical machine, all while making eye contact with her.

    Or you could chat loudly with someone nearby and talk about how badly it burns when you pee.

    Desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend.

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